I am sorry for how i feel, that is about all i can
say. It has effected things that i never thought about, and talking about
them was a mistake. I am taking it slow and trying to forget about all the
dreams i had created, all of the false realities i have been living and
getting back to earth. Trying to realize that the dream i wanted is not
the dream i needed.
All i can say is sorry for feeling,
for caring, for hurting, for forgetting,
for loving, thinking, wanting,
wishing, waiting. . .
All that i feel is much more than words i know can express. When there
seems to be nothing left to say, nothing else to lose, nothing else to
live for, that is when a person shows how they truly are, they either
react, or don't, and both can be good or bad. I have not made up my mind
on whether it is worth being alone, if it is worth being with someone
else, if it is worth dreaming about it, or if living is worth the
confusion and pain that is out there. Living, at least what i have done of
it, is worth it. Even hating is not working, getting angry is not making
it easier, getting upset is also redundant. A feeling that is so strong
and blind that it spins from happiness to sorrow, from boredom to
excitement. I have had days where i feel emotionless, days of what i would
like to think were days of weakness, days of me wanting nothing more than
to end my life to see the faces of those i know, wanting a reaction,
however how can you see a reaction when your dead? To make someone angry,
to be selfish, i am not saying i am not selfish as it is, i am writing an
apology and instead saying how i feel, i am all about selfish.
i cannot see a light, i see people in life and TV and in my dreams and all
of them, they are what they are and who they are and it makes me sad,
angry, upset, and happy. I love seeing people happy but it also makes me
sad. To think there is a reason for what i am doing, i draw a blank. For
now i am dead, this may make your life easier, i hope it would, something
i did worked out better for someone else for once.
Dead i say, here it comes all the thoughts of suicide, well it is, more of
a character suicide really, my body unfortunately is alive; i am just as a
character, dead. Lets say in a comma, it may be days or weeks before i get
out of it, maybe an hour, maybe never.
Now i am in the thickest fog i have ever known and all i can say is i am
sorry.