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I Don't Know What To Do

I am still not quite sure what it is that i want to say. i know that this is starting to get to be a rough year because of my current job situation and my total inability to want to do anything. Steven is going out all the time, he is mad all the time, and he is pissing me off all the time, and i am sick of it. I don't want to be mad with him, i don't want him to feel the way he does, but i don't know what to do about it. I can't think of a sentence that does not start with I or I want. Does that make me a selfish person? i know someone who thinks i am selfish no matter what i do, i am after all a selfish mother fucker.

I am tired, tired of staying up so late, tired of not having my cat with me, and really tired of people. At the same time, i want people more than ever, i want to be looked at as attractive, and that is why i have been posting pics of myself in places i think will get some attention towards my site, then at least i can see that about 60 people are interested enough in my picture to look at my site, and then 50 of them see that it is just a regular site and there are no porn parts of it and they leave, unsatisfied. I don't know what it is about me, what it is about other people, but i love to be able to cuddle with someone, and recently i got that opportunity, however, i selected the wrong person to do it with. they wanted more, they wanted sex, and while sex is not bad, sex is practically nothing to me. I don't like sex that much. there i said it. maybe it is because of the person, or limited amount i have had with the limited amount of people (depending on your definition of sex the number can range 1-4 i believe). I don't want to have sex, i love jerking off, i love even more to jerk off and talk to someone or watch someone else jerking off, but that is not important. I will not find someone because i want something that i can't believe exists. Tom was that, but he practically does not exist, he does not here, he does there, where he lives, far far from here. what am i saying? i am not sure if i know anymore.

It is late, i am sleepy, but i want something, i want to crawl into my bed with someone, i want someone to touch my shoulder and say lets go to bed. i want someone to lay next to me and wrap their arms around me and squeeze me a little, and play the game of squeeze with me. i want to fall asleep on their shoulder, or in their arms or just spooned up next to them. sometimes i am sure i would want to be on my side of the bed not touching them... but it would be so great to have them in bed with me even if they were not touching. Knowing i could touch them if i wanted is enough. They can touch me, i want them too, i want them to hold me and touch me and me. me. me. fucking, me! It is all about ME myself and I! Nothing else matters, no one else is me all the time, they are all them, i am the one that has to be around me all day long, and put up with my body's abilities to do what it can and can't do. It is My mind that i have to work around, the feelings of despair, the total lack of desire to do anything but just lay in bed most of the day next to someone that wants to be next to me as much as i want to be next to them. Me is all i can think of because me is all i know, and knowing that is a scary pile of shit because i don't even know myself that well, how can i, i can only see about half of me, and then the view is mostly not that great. People tell you what you should do, but i don't even think they know what they want themselves. Thinking about it hurts, i am only hurting right now because i am realizing not for the first time, but part of it is always new, the more i live the more i learn, and the more i learn the more i wish i did not know. They say that Knowledge is Power. I think that is pretty good, but what about Power? what comes with power, power is not knowledge, because if it was, people with power would not be so stupid. No one is ever going to be happy. The only people who are not fake are the insane, and that is a scary thought. The reasons they are insane is because they can't deal with our (non insane) reality. I need to not just free think this but it is what i am doing right now....

i just wanted to say hi, and i wish that i could say more, but i don't know what to say, what can you say when you want to reach out and hug someone but anyone that can hear you speak is so far away that touching them is just a puff of smoke in a dream

Life is a game, money is one of the point systems, happiness should be your life line, sometimes it helps it, but our life line is more of success. The cheat for the game is to believe you are successful in whatever you do and you will continue to live. I find this cheat hard to use. I find believing in anything even harder. Some may say my problem is my lack of faith or belief in something. They may be right, but i doubt it. I see my problem as my own, my inability to create something that i can believe in that keeps me going day to day. The idea that i may one day change the lives of thousands for the better is not too far fetched, but at the same time it is not something i think i can do. How can i when i don't even know what is better for me. If i was born at an earlier time i would be different, i would hope so or i would not have made it this far. But now is when i live, and this lifetime up to this point has been good and bad, like all should be.

I started to go down hill sometime after high school if not sooner, maybe later. It has been most prominent in my last few semesters of school. I was never a person that really had to try hard to do anything, things just came naturally to me most of the time. The times i did have to work at something to get it right was normally hell for me, as i would assume it is for anyone. If i had to work too much on something i would either give up on it or modify the final project to reflect what i was capable of accomplishing. I was like this all of my life as long as i could remember. Now the last few semesters i tried less than i normally would. My reasons? i was sick of it, every thing. even the things that interested me i did not really work much on, i took the interesting, kept it, developed it some, and then let the rest go. I did not buy any books my last semesters, and it explains why i did not get all A's in my classes. However, i did get something out of them, i may not have gotten more than anyone else but as i said before, they don't matter to me. After i decided to get out of school routine i thought that i would be able to find something to do next relatively easily, i guess with my luck in getting any ole job was want made me think that way. but i did not want any ole job. i want something i like, something that i am shocked that i get paid for each time i get a check, something i get out of bed and think about in a positive way. I don't want it to be work, i want it to just be another thing i do, and i don't want it to be every day. i just want it to be something i do. Something i am good at, something i can improve upon, and something that only gets better with time. I want to be able to stop working on something and start something else and come back to it whenever i want. I don't want to be limited by anything or anyone. Sounds like i am an insane dreamer. I want people to like me, i want people to care about other people, i want people to realize that nothing is certain, and sometimes we don't get what we wanted or expected and we should try to correct it if we can and accept it and move on if we can't. these ideas are not knew, if they were i would not have been able to come up with them. I have a hard time with things too. i lost a ice cream scoop today, i am not mad about it, i lost two cups i am not mad about the cups, i am upset that they may continue to disappear. i don't know what to do, with anything with anyone, i don't know what to do. i want to just crawl into someone's strong arms and lap and just sleep, and if i am not tired then i want to go swimming until i am tired and then just shower, and then crawl into those arms. i don't want to make decisions because i don't know what is best, i don't want to give advise because i don't know what is best, and the worst part is i don't want to take advice because i don't believe people know what is best. So if people don't know what is best and i don't have a higher power, i am screwed right? i think so.

So what do in this situation? you can't tell me because i won't listen to you most likely. I just don't know what to do.