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When I Couldn’t Sleep

I couldn’t sleep at all. I had gone to bed early that night because I was so tired from the day before, just not sleeping as well as normally. Being back at home will do that to you. I walked around the house thinking about getting something to eat when I started to think about him. Wondering what it would be like if suddenly he walked into the laundry room (where I was) and saw me standing there in nothing but my underwear. I thought about how embarrassed I would be and how I might try to leap into the pantry to the left of me. I began imagining what it would be like if he walked in at that moment. I wanted to cover myself up so he could not see me, but at that same time, I wanted to be comfortable with him being able to look at me in nearly nothing at all. He was beautiful. I imagined him walking in, and my first thought was to put my hands up across my chest or to cover my ‘cotton material covered crotch’ with my hands. Then I thought about how when he looked he would see all of me, well almost all of me. I just stood there, I could not imagine his face; I just felt his presence. He started walking towards me and I took a step forward, wanting to be close to him. Once he got close enough he reached out and put his hands on my hips, and I thought back to the last time someone touched me there. They were behind me and they were pointing me in the right direction by putting their hands on my hips and turning me. I remember how that felt so good, to be touched there and how it made me feel. For some strange reason it made me feel thinner, and attractive. Now the person I wanted to know more than anyone was touching me there, making me feel self conscious and I wanted to feel like I did before… attractive. I felt attractive with his hands on me, and as soon as I had, they started to move to my back. He stepped closer to me and began wrapping his arms around me. I put my hands on his hips and remembered how much slimmer he was than I, but instead of feeling larger myself, I thought back to some of the experience I have had and thought about how I don’t want to feel bad because he is so attractive, I want to be relaxed. I had to keep reminding myself of that. Now his arms were around me, and I moved my arms around him. He pulled in closer to me; his height was so great. I was a little taller. I had never thought much about being taller or shorter, but I had imagined that his head would be at the top of my chest, while that is a little off in reality, it was just my imagination so I decided to go with it. He turned his head to the side and leaned into my chest, his body pulled into mine and I felt his touch everywhere. I stood there for about five minutes just thinking about him pressed against me, knowing he could hear my heart beating faster, feeling him breathing. Smelling his hair, him. Being close to him, it was just so nice. I opened my eyes… I did not realize I had closed them, and I went back to my bedroom. I looked at the bed and wished that he was still with me, that we could cuddle up with each other on this ridiculously small bed and fall asleep that way. Thinking about him is all I can do at the moment, he is gone for the summer, it is funny that you can never meet someone and then when they leave you miss them. I have not met him yet, and there is a possibility (small but possible) that we will never meet but that is not what I look towards. I believe that we will meet, and I can only hope that we at least are interested in each other as friends, because knowing him has brought a sense of hope to me that I have not felt in a long time. He amazes me.