Brazos Apartment

Time Is a Healer - Eva Cassidy

I found a picture of your smiling face
Bringing old memories that I had locked away
The burden of anger from a heart filled with pain
Was finally lifted and I smile at you again

Chorus:- If time is a healer
Then all hearts that break
Are put back together again
Cause love heals the wound it makes

I spoke such harsh words before goodbye
Well I wanted to hurt you for the tears you made
You made me cry
All my hopes and dreams, well they started vanishing
Those tender hurt feelings became a dangerous thing

Chorus:

All of those years we spent together
Well they're part of my life forever
I hold the joy with the pain
And the truth is I miss you my friend 

Shiny Toy Guns Don't Cry Out Lyrics

More lyrics to live by, I know this won't last forever but I heard this song today and it had new meaning to me:


I fall to pieces,
Each time I see you again.
I fall to pieces.
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we've never kissed.
You want me to forget, pretend we've never met.
And I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet.
You walk by and I fall to pieces.

I fall to pieces,
Each time someone speaks your name.
I fall to pieces.
Time only adds to the flame.

You tell me to find someone else to love,
Someone who'll love me too, the way you used to do.
But each time I go out with some one new,
You walk by and I fall to pieces.

You walk by and I fall to pieces.

Yesterday I started singing this song to myself and it comforted me somewhat. I don't know if it is because it hurt a little or if maybe I felt like I was not alone in pain because someone else wrote it. I have not let a stranger love me and I have not yet called his name to others. I have not kissed many other and my hands have not lied. I have been lying to myself about how things could be. I have been giving myself my own since of hope and it conflicts with the hope I try to have to get over this. My hope to get over all of this is that I will be able to be on my own and I will be happier that way. I will meet someone again and fully move on with my life. My boss hopes that I will try to go back to school soon to get my degree in anything under the sun as long as I have one. I had been thinking about going back for a while because I am tired of saying I stopped going to people. I would rather say I have a degree and here is where I am working instead of saying I stopped going and here is where I am working. They look at you differently; as though you have made a mistake.

I wrote what many of my friends and family might think of as an insane logic email to Caroline yesterday. I was being honest about how I felt. I don't remember what all I said but I think I said that I want things that I should not want. I want him still and that is a mistake because why should I want someone who does not want me. I can see that there are parts of him that wants me but he is fighting that so much for a reason and I should see that struggle as a clear sign that I have no place with him.

My dad called me this morning and he is starting to get upset with me as he should be because I am not doing what I should be doing. I should not try to help him I should be sticking to my screw him list so that I can pull away. I love him and I have to start learning not to. That is something I don't ever remember having to do before. I have a hard time dealing with death and I don't have to stop loving then. So I am now in this position where I am supposed to just try to stop thinking about it. I was at work yesterday and I thought I was doing great considering what my mind is going through. I want to just talk about it all the time but there is work to be done and after a few hours of not being able to stop thinking about it I was able to stop focusing on it and start focusing on making things again. All of these things are just distractions because I still have to come home to it. Each time I come home is hard because I want him to be there and I wish things would be easier and better betweeen us. I would like to be his friend and not want to hug him and have him hold me. I have been thinking about that so much. I want to call someone and have them come to me and just comfort me but I really can't have that because I will just wish it was him at this point.

Maybe that is the point. Maybe all I can do is distract myself so I don't think about it. Distracting myself does not seem to help because I have to get back to it but eventually I will have my own place and when I go home the game of distraction will continue. I will have to start doing that while I am here and not want to go talk to him. I need to distract myself here so I can move on. Tomorrow cannot be like today because I missed work today. I can't miss work anymore, not because of this.

Void - Darren Hayes
I've seen so many faces
These hands have lied before
I've kissed so many lips it's blocked my mind
I've whispered bullshit, nothings
I've cried alone in night
I thought I'd found the one a million times

But doesn't anyone fill the void?
Doesn't anyone kill the joy?
Doesn't anyone take the place of you in my heart?
And doesn't anyone fill the void?
Doesn't anyone kill the joy?
Doesn't anyone take the place of you?

I let a stranger love me
I gave away my pride
I bit my lips, so I could block my mind
I've called your name to others
Just like a spinal chord
Severed and broken but the spark still tries

And doesn't anyone fill the void?
Doesn't anyone kill the joy?
Doesn't anyone take the place of you in my heart?
Doesn't anyone fill the void?
Doesn't anyone kill the noise?
Doesn't anyone take the place of you?

They don't know you like I do
They don't see the good inside you
They don't lie with you in bed and join you when you're dreaming
They don't see your softer side
Who'll be there to turn your light on?
Who will try to wash away the stain that love has left us?

Doesn't anyone fill the void?
Doesn't anyone kill the joy?
Doesn't anyone kill the place of you in my heart?
Doesn't anyone bring the noise?
Doesn't anyone kill the joy?
Doesn't anyone take the place of you?

No one will ever take his place. He will be there for a long time if not forever; my first real love. I will be able to be on my own again. I deserve to love myself the way I love him and I don't deserve to hurt over him. It still hurts me a little that only one person has contacted me about this last post I made. I thought if my words had the power to get 4 people to call him then maybe a few more would call me, after all I am the one hurting because he hurt me. No one wants to talk to someone who is down though, I know I don't. I hurt him too. The more I talk to him the more I think about the mistakes I made and how I had hoped that they would be part of the learning experience for me. I think instead of learning what I was doing and not doing right after I did them, I found out months and years later. I need to find out what kind of work I missed and to see what I can do to distract myself so I don't make the same mistakes I made last night. I want to make this a private post because I am afraid of how my friends may react to it. I am tired of being burned but I feel like I keep jumping into the fire.

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David Lazar's Review of Brokeback Mountain Misses the Point 1/6/2006
By Mark Landsbaum

Homosexual relationships are wrong – that's why they shouldn't be celebrated.

Editor's note: This article is written in response to a review of the film "Brokeback Mountain," which appeared recently on Townhall.com.

Mr. Lazar is correct. The "lovers" of Brokeback Mountain are neither heroes nor courageous.

Mr. Lazar's error is seeing the problem merely in its consequences (infidelity, broken families, suicidal depression), rather than in its cause: homosexual lust.

Mr. Lazar looks to the consequences of the sinful act as if they can be tweaked, as if the sin can be committed in a better way (by self-sacrifice, consideration of others, without shame) in order to alleviate its dire consequences.

The Bible says this is calling evil good and good evil. It compounds the error. It doesn't fix it.

The reason for these horrid consequences isn't that the sin wasn't committed in a kind, compassionate manner. The reason is the sin itself. No good can come from evil. Thinking that what is an abomination before God can be made acceptable if it's merely taken out of the closet and performed in a kindly manner is foolishness.

Homosexual sexual relationships are wrong. That's the reason they should not be celebrated. Not because they haven't yet been ingratiated into the public conscience or shamelessly accepted by their practitioners.

The reason people are repulsed by homosexual sex isn't because people are bigoted. It's for the same reason people are repulsed by pedophilia, theft, murder and lying. It's because God is repulsed by sin and we all inherently understand right from wrong. (See Romans 1.)

It is no surprise that when sin is embraced, the consequences are shame, dishonesty and other natural fruits of selfish desires. Man is more than inherently flawed, as Mr. Lazar has noted. Man is fallen in sin. Accommodating sin doesn't fix the problem. Only repenting and giving one's life to Christ remedies the problem.

But we don't give our life to the Savior if we unrepentantly seek to justify our sins. (See Isaiah 5:21.) What is an abomination to the Lord is an abomination. (See 1 Corinthians 6:9.) There's no correlation between skin color or ethnicity and the sinful perversion of sexual relations among people of the same sex, as Mr. Lazar seems to imply. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner and Gentleman's Agreement dealt with bigotry. There is no bigotry involved in recognizing sin.

There never will be a moral argument in favor of making good what God considers sinful. Those who try, commit additional sin.

"Woe to those who call evil good and good evil" (Isaiah 5:20, NASB).

The challenges homosexuals face each day aren't about how to "come out" in an agreeable manner, but instead how to turn from their sinful impulses, just as the liar, the pedophile and the thief must. "Normalizing" the sinful urge for unnatural sex is no more correct than normalizing lying, pedophilia or theft.

Persuading themselves and others that their sinful lusts are good things doesn't change the nature of their sinful lusts. It only draws others into their sin. And it doesn't fool the Lord for one minute.

As Jesus said, "You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God" (Luke 16:15).

This is the message that must be delivered to those who are tempted by homosexual desires if they are to conform to God's will and to avoid the dire consequences of their acts in this life, and the far more serious consequences in the next life.

Click here for David Lazar's review, published on Townhall.com.

Mark Landsbaum, a former reporter for the Los Angeles Times, is a freelance writer from Diamond Bar, California.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture references are from the New King James Version.

Why are so many people on this website so concerned with having the government impose selective Christianity on the residents of Texas?

The Bible states that we should not eat pork, but there is no constitutional amendment against Pork Ribs. The Bible recommends stoning the victims of rape but we don't do that. The bible has multiple reference accepting slavery, but I see none of these "Christians" volunteering to be slaves.

It appears that the real issue is that "Hate" is hiding behind the misuse of the name of God.

American Freedom is for all Americans. Not just fake Christians.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.1
Mind:	6.4
Body:	6.3
Spirit:	7.7
Friends/Family:	5.9
Love:	6.9
Finance:	7.7
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

celebrity crush?	what is a celebrity?
say something random	ok
what color are you wearing?	orange
favorite place to eat-out	places with good food and nice people
beverage of choice	water
favorite piece of clothing	underwear
cutest animal	don't they all have their moments?
future pet	cat
dream hair color	i normaly dream of many things other than hair
what do you really want NOW	someone to hold me
top five movies	depends on my mood, i like the associate though, and the rennassance man, although i can't spell it
skipping or frollicking?	skipping
can you do a handstand?	kind of
what about a pullup	kind of
do you have a secret desire to be a ballerina?	yes
latest good news	i found my jacket, and i got the drama site up, not up well but up
name a pet peeve and a good thing	others handeling my things without care really torques my jaws, having someone break something of yours and not caring about it
dumbest thing you have heard of recently	"hey, do you want to hook up and have some fun?"
favorite conditioner (i hafta research this)	as in for hair? what ever shampoo i am using at the time
showers or baths?	showers, baths are only taken by those who like to take them
your feet are...	size 12 when it comes to getting sketchers
favorite finger food	i like cheese, fried cheese is a nice messy finger food
where in the world would you go?	home
what's your opinion on giraffes?	i like them, i think they are interesting
favorite disney movie	Disney? i like Pixar and i think M. Eisner. can sit on it
latest obsession	i think it always has to do with looking at guys i find attractive, nothing new about that
last conversation you had	with my dad about him going to the store and if i needed anything, i think i do but i don't know
is IKEA exciting for you	sometimes, some of their stuff is crap and some of it is ok, and some of it is really nice, but overall yes, i like Ikea, i like to dream
which stores do poeple need to drag you out of	Fry's and Bookstores that have books on architecture
character crush from a book or cartoon	there was a video game character i remember having... no a cartoon, i have had more than one
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

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1/9/2005 12:25:02 AM

I don't know what i want to say but i want to write in my journal.

Today Caroline showed me her new car and i showed her the bathroom, although now i don't know if i like it myself much, the tan... i just don't know if it is the right color, although i think it will look great with the paintings in there with tile and rugs.

I was supposed to be in galveston tonight but that plan got messed up so i am leaving in the morning with much hope.

There is nothing to say now, i am feeling lonely, strange because i wrote to someone about it earlier today but i did not feel it, now, other than feeling fat, i feel lonely. I guess being at home for this long has made me miss being with Matt and Steven, but i get lonely around them so that is stupid of me to say. I think it has more to do with wanting someone to cuddle with and the only thing i have now is Banana and she is not very good at it.

Where are all of my online guys that talk to me? i guess i have not been talking to them as well as i do when i am at my place. Meony money money, what am i going to do...

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1/8/2005 4:47:33 AM

still don't know when or if my site will be down... if i don't pay by the 27th imagin will be down. so there you have it :)

I have been painting the bathroom i am tired, i am going to bed.

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1/2/2005 4:55:07 AM

Just to let everyone know, my site may be down for a few days because of a name transfer. If you have any problems seeing my site, you won't see this message... so it is kind of pointless unless you read this message before it happens...

My domain name bill is due this month... and i am switching the site that i pay for it so i can pay less and manage it better. So this is why. Thanks for looking at my site guys and happy new year to everyone!

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12/31/2004 2:34:05 AM

I got my Jacket, i don't know if i want to keep it, it is so expensive...

Tonight i went for a walk around campus, it was about 11:30 when i left and it was about 1:20 am when i got back. I walked all around campus then i went up to the parking garage and just enjoyed the view of down town lit up with lights for the holiday's. Then there was this black truck driving all over the lot accross the street from where i was. I kept my eye on it, oh heck, i was staring at the thing, wondering if the person driving was drunk, then i got this fear that i had not had in a long time, what if they saw me and drive up the garage, i ran over to the exit, rang the elevator up to top (where i was) and prepared to run down the stairs. i don't hear the truck but i do a little now, so i thought now is a good time to leave, i got down to the bottom and the truck was pulling out of a spot between some buildings, oh shit i thought.

I walk in front of it 30 feet away from me, driving closer to me, and keep walking. I am walking into the mall area of campus, the truck cannot follow me but it turns like it is, parks and i am getting ready to run. I am not sure which way i want to go to get home, but i think i chose the worst way, towards the library, the guy gets out of the truck and starts walking in my direction...

By this time i am really scared, however he is wearing a white top and a black bottom so that probably means he is with campus security, so i am not scared for my life as much as i am scared of getting told to leave. We play cat and mouse for a bit, i try to lose him but i want to see if he is following me, and he is. and i look like a idiot i am sure, trying to walk away like i was. Once i got 500 ft from my apartment he stopped following me. whew that was a scary thing, lol. I am so silly

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12/28/2004 1:59:40 AM

this will be known as a lazy post, i am not going to format it.

...much. My brother took some pics last night, it was his first roll of film in his new camera, so after he did what he wanted to do we took some pics and some of the family i wanted to share. i look silly but we were being silly.

/imagin/familyg002.jpg

http://imagin.cc/imagin/familyg003.jpg

http://imagin.cc/imagin/familyg004.jpg

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12/27/2004 7:58:12 PM

Today my mom asked me why i was celebrating christmas, ah, now she wants me to watch tv, got to go.

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12/24/2004 9:07:33 PM

Happy Holidays to all but Merry Christmas tomorrow to those who do something with family, i am so i am going to have a great time.

Happy Holidays :)

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12/21/2004 6:22:39 PM

I took this on a trip with Kim and Caroline.

Click here to see it

I like it.

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12/21/2004 2:04:36 AM

Ever feel like...., yes you have, everyone has, i hate it, a bad few moments.

I have been streching a little recently, i discovered a few weeks ago that i can't touch my toes with ease anymore so i am working slowly and grudgingly to get back to being able to do that. Someone was talking to me about some pics and i just felt liek shit i think i am going to go to the store to bu some posterboard so i can paint.

I don't like being in a decent mood then dropping down to a crap mood because of something supid like wanting someone local to talk to, no, that would just be a nightmare, i like not knowing any gay people here becuase i don't like gay people, i want to be with a homosexual not a gay guy, i need to stay away from gay people. But who's to say they are good of bad, i want ice cream but i am not in the mood for it and i think that pisses me off more than anything, Fuck how did this happen, i was fine an hour ago... I want to blame someone, but it is not one person talking to me, it is all of them, they all want something different but the same thing and i hate it...Breath, relax, just get off the computer

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12/18/2004 4:02:24 PM

Work was alright last night, i think we did a good job, and tonight, it is going to be something :) i am worried that my legs are going to fall off, but other than that everything is fine. I am not used to working to events in a row, so i don't know how she does it when she has a week full of them.

Don't get me wrong, working two days in a row, no big deal, but events... i like preping things, making things happen, i don't like working with people as much, not hundreds of people. It varies, events are just different than anything else. When i was a cashier, working one on one with the customer was great in comparison with working with a large mass of people like this, now i just sound like i am complianing about my job, i am not, just standing up all last night and being in the fight with my brother that afternoon, my knee is just a little sore so i am not looking forward to work tonight.

Things are going to be fun though, so all is good :) I hope everyone who reads my jorunal knows i appreciate them looking at my site and i hope every one has a good new year and happy holidays!

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12/17/2004 2:51:05 PM

What do i need to do today? other than work?

I need to go back to my apartment for one... i came home this weekend and it has been a good weekend, even if it is not the weekend yet. My brother was home so i got to see him and i went to Chelsea's Choir Concert. It was a good week, it was strange because the last time i was home andrew came over for the weekend to play sims and stuff, this week he was working while i was off and we did not get to hang out. It was strange. I made cinnamon rolls and they were good, i only had 1 little one because i think i need to really watch what i am eating now.

I need to go for now, but i should be back in huntsville sometime today. Yay!

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12/13/2004 11:51:57 PM

Today has been a good day, i am tired, but i had a good day. I think i am going to go to bed... I hope everyone has a good day.

I got a lot of hits on my site this day, and boy did it feel good :)

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12/12/2004 7:28:20 AM

I thought this picture was really funny, i am at my grandmothers house for Thanksgiving 2004, and this is what happens when you eat too much pie

So if you can learn anything from this photo that my dad took, remember, pie maybe good, but it is never that good.

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12/12/2004 5:47:40 AM

I took some pics today, i posted them, and there are a few that i want to post but they don't fit just yet. Right now it is nearly 5am and i just got home from work. I missed James online so i did not get to talk to him, but work was interesting. I broke another glass object, this is my second and i hope it is my last because it is not funny.

We counted and polished silverware, it took a while. I saved a document on the computer and i just hope no one gets mad at me for using it, i don't know if i broke a rule. Well i made a spread sheet of the type of silverware it was that we counted, and we did nto polish the small spoons, but steven left a note saying we did not polish the small silverware, so that needs to be adjusted, other than that it was a good night. The group had a great time and we got done a little later than expected but we did do a lot considering what all we had to get done. I only wished it would have gone faster, the closet is not locked, darn it!

My cousin is talking to me so i have to go, i am going to bed soon whew, i hope i can get back to a normal schedule soon!

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12/9/2004 1:49:36 AM

I am Jealous, I hate it too, I don't like the feeling, I don't want to be, I just am. A guy I once knew for a short time, a nice guy, is doing well with someone else, I am so happy for him for finding someone that fits him, but I am jealous. That being said, other than that sting of the jealous bite on my neck, I am lonely, lol. I was at Caroline's house today and we were looking at personal sites and I logged into match.com and I was showing her Tom's pictures again and I wanted to send him a wink, but I thought it may be a little strange to do that, so I asked Caroline what she thought about me sending him a wink and she said it would be sweet if someone who she liked sent her a wink after not talking for a while. I don't know, I just feel the need to be able to something, something is missing in my life, I don't know what it is, it is like food that needs something and you are not a cook so you don't know what it needs. I did figure out what my food needed during thanksgiving, but I have no clue what I need in my life, other than someone to touch, someone to kiss, someone to talk to in the middle of the night when I am not making any sense.

So I sent him a wink, now I feel stupid about it. He is so far away, he has big plans for himself and he is so talented, and I am just here, doing what I can to get by and not much more. He deserves more from someone else, maybe I am just what he needs, who knows. We seemed to be on the same page so often, he liked me enough to talk to me, I need to write to him, I have been wanting to but I have been putting it off, and I think part of it is because I miss him. I want to call him and chat with him but I have nothing new to really discuss. So here I am. Just here.

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12/6/2004 11:23:49 AM

I am in such a music mood this morning.

Avril and Hoobastank, Maroon 5, Missy Elliot, Garbage, Incubus, Simple Plan...

I woke up and i opened launch to watch a video and then i just let it run then i say the yellowcard video i like and i though...

Ever noticed some bands with
Hot Drummers:

Maroon 5 - Ryan Dusick
Yellowcard - Longineu Parsons III
Ned Brower - Rooney

Just Good Looking:

Doug Robb - Hoobastank
Deryck Whibley - Sum 41
Tyson Ritter - All American Rejects
Pete Loeffler - Chevelle
Brandon Boyd - Incubus
So this is all i have now....

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12/5/2004 3:05:18 PM

i liked this answer although i cheated on the test to get it.


You Are The Mama's Gay Boy

What Type Of Gay Man Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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12/1/2004 12:48:30 AM

happy holidays to everyone, i know i know, it is just december now. I was asked if i was not believe in a particular faith, why i celebrated christmas. do i have to answer it?

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12/1/2004 12:27:18 AM

I need to make a plan, i need to update my resume, work on financeing, what else?

I need to look at the jobs that are around me and figure them out, i need to talk to matt and steven.

I am not sure what i am going to do, i seem to be getting all of these choices and i can pick more than one but what options do i go with, what will support me, what will help to support me later? I need to talk this out with someone with pen and paper.

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11/25/2004 8:35:38 AM

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, i have discovered that i have been gaining fat weight so i hope to not over eat, i normally don't so i am not too worried, and get back on track with some physical activity. So what i miss spell everything, it don't matter.

I smell bad, i know it cause i can smell me sitting like this, makes you wonder how i am sitting doesn't it?

I am off to the baths... i mean showers, hope everyone has a great holiday 03-04 (new years is 01-04 forth of july is 02-04 and hannaka sorry i can't spell it, and Christmas is 04-04, the year is second and the first number is the number of holiday, 1,2,3, & 4) I love holiday #4

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11/23/2004 12:25:48 PM

Well i feel better now, sometimes i think you just have to vent some. I made the last post private, it was pretty bad, so yeah, things are going to be ok, you just have to step out of the anger sometimes, i still dont' have a clue, but things are going to be ok.

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11/19/2004 5:10:12 AM

I know that this is long and babbly, but i wanted to say it all, maybe i will work on something one day that is well written, but not today

I watched Jack and Bobby, it was sad, i knew it would be. I did not watch it all though.

steven and i talked today, that was nice. I want to write a letter to tom, telling him about the things that could be going on this month and next.

I am a little down because i am not making enough money this month and i am not sure how i am going to make ends meet. Holiday month can make it hard to find work, people that want you make thigns difficult and people that normally are great don't want you because they don't need you.

I know it does not help much when i don't want to get a 'job' that will be more steady. I like working with Kay, i like the hours i work, when i get hours, and i have the freedom to get more work if i need or want to. The only problem is the work that i want i cannot get and the work that i need... i have talked about this all before, i am just lazy and i don't want to do what i know i have to do because i think there is a better way, i think i have begun to find it, however, i am just a little behind.

I have been reading Tom's letters to me and they make me happy, sad, and feel weird all over. I like him, what can i say. I had his picture on my wall for months, and i liked it there, i miss it being there sometimes. I don't know what i want, i don't know anything i have said everything before, i have said i don't want to live anymore and i still don't, but i don't have the nerve to end my own life. I guess it is i don't hate life i hate living, but then sometimes i think no, i hate both just the same. I think about how people are, how fake everyone is, including myself. Sometimes to protect others sometimes to protect myself from being hurt. When i think about my life, and what i want to accomplish, i don't think i want to accomplish much at all. Why do i need to? Who is going to care. You can't look at life that way because as soon as you do, you start to slit your wrists. We are so fake with everyone because we are fake with our selves. We create problems we create solutions, thus we create a reason to exist. And our reason to exist is fake. Geniuses are soemtimes known to self destruct after a period of time. Some believe the reason for this is becuase they see sociological problems in a different way than most people do. They see that these base character and behavioral flaws in our society create the caos that is human life. Some work tryign to develop cures to save the world and all of it's problems. Pressure is placed on them from the community and even more from themselves because as they learn, develop, and understand more about the world we live in, the more hopless things become. They can't save the world then why am i here, what is the point of me having all of this knowledge and then poof, another genius is gone. By no way am i putting myself at that level. Ha, i don't even know all of the worlds problems let alone have plans to solve them. But understanding that frustration, that sense of hopelessness is what i feel sometimes. Not as intense as saving the world, but saving me is no easy task, not when i don't want to be saved. How can you save yourself if you don't know what you are being saved from?

Blind Faith. Should you have it? and if so, do you think about having it or do you just have it?

Changing topics a little... I was reading some things today, i like to check up on a person i know and how much they communicate with my brother. And as i was doing my checkup i started thinking about some things that have happened recently, why they have happend the way they have, and i don't have any answers, but i did discover something about myself. I am a weak, whiny, scared, unconfident, homosexual, confused, unmotivated, male. I forget that sometimes, with the help of my friends.

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11/17/2004 2:55:11 AM

Wednesday, Jack and Bobby comes on tonight and there is a gay scene, i want to watch it. I got some Ice Cream tonight and it was so good. I showed Caroline and April the photos, even Russell saw them and no one said anything bad about them, that made me feel better.

Today i made a list of things to to and i did not do them all, it is late tuesday night or early wednesday morning what ever you want it to be. I will try to do them all tomorrow. I don't know if i am going to go to the play in Waco, i just don't know. Really can't afford the gas for that kind of a trip. I found out some things about my job today that may make the next few months rather interesting.

I don't feel like i have a crush on anyone at the moment, it is a weird feeling because i feel interested in someone all the time and right now, i don't. I don't know what it is, i guess i just want things to be over, i want the new site done, i want to have my bills paid, and i want to just be done. I am tired fo the game the race everything, i just am tired. I am sure there are more things i want to accomplish but i don't know if i am willing.

I am going to bed. good night

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11/12/2004 5:42:59 AM

I just did some major editing to the script of my own Journal, and let me just say that this is going to be so great if i can get it all to work for all other users. Faster loading, entry editing, and now all i need is a cookie to be set that remembers the users user information so that logout does not happen.

I am so happy, so excited, i am just tired and i got this thing to work, no one knows what i did, and i don't even know how i did some of it, but i figured it out. Sometimes when something doesn't work, and it is one thing making it stop from working, sometimes it takes forever to find that little thing that will fix it.

Member page needs to be updated. When am i going to make the switch to Imagin 2005? I need to go to bed...

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11/8/2004 11:11:07 PM

Well it took almost 3 days but they got the servers all back online and with a backup so i did not spend all day uploading my site again.. that was great. Did loose some of the database though, but only my posts to that is alright with me.

Instead fo staying up all night working on uploading i worked on redesigning my site beecause i felt it was time and i was afraid that nothing would be on the server when i got there.

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10/28/2004 1:58:59 PM

Gosh, how strved for attention do you have to be to post practically fully nude pictures of yourself on a perv site?, i guess you have to be me.

I so like when my site hits jumps from the normal 15-20 daily hits to 60 for the day or two when i post a picture of myself on that site, and for the first time last night, i posted one of myself that did not contain my face... What this means is i am going to get the same amount of hits by different people, or maybe more hits by new people... i am not sure...

All i know is that i like the attention, and i think i like that it only lasts as long as my picture is on the first page, once i get pushed back to the 2nd and then 4th page, the popularity wears off majorly, people don't stop liking you, they just want something new, and unless you do something wild and crazy all the time, you will become old quickly. I guess this is the part of me that is lonely, wanting someone to tell me that they like the way i look, however, i still don't like the way i look, i think i am an ugly and awkward fat gutted boy.

Sad happy, sad happy cycle. Fix a problem, happy, then you find another problem and you get sad all over again...

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10/26/2004 6:02:00 AM

I am still trying to get everything setup properly, but i think i have done a lot of good so far. I got my brother's section up, and i also made a page for him, he liked it so much he told me to grab some pics off of his old site. i can't wait to see what he says about what i did... Look at the site i made for him

I also have worked on the Niveknet.com homepage, finally. I showed andrew and he liked it so much better than the old entrance.

I have stayed up nearly all night waiting for a chance to talk to John while i worked on the sites, i still have not talked to him and i still have not been able to get the damn forum to work on the galveston server. I get it to work on two other servers but galveston? No!!!!

I want to know where you are john.... oh anyone that wants to make a comment to me can make one without sending an email by clicking on this link say what you want i don't care... i want to hear what you have to say, if you want to say something.

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10/23/2004 9:05:26 AM

yesterday was a pretty bad night, it was not bad until after 8. I woke up at 1 40 or so, i know i am bad, i took a shower and went on my merry way. I went to the costume shop to annoy the people there and to have some fun, i stayed there until four then i went to caroline's office where i was put to work, i had fun. Then Caroline and i walked to her apartment, i complained about not getting to see Charles drive by because we were late leaving the office, lol. We got a Pizza and it was good then i went home at 8pm.

The walk home was miserable, it was dark, i was alone, and when i got home no one was here. Normally someone is here but steven had left to go home for the weekend already. I guess it was a good thing for me too, being there alone allowed me to be miserable which i guess i wanted to be. I tried to watch the simpsons but right as i was telling John goodbye for the evening, i hit the wrong window and shut it off, i did not want to wait another hour or two to get logged back into the shoutcast server that hosts it so i just gave up and watched the last disk of the second season on DVD.

When i checked to see if anyone had been talking to me, i notice russell had said hello, i thought that was weird he never says hi much. I told him i was depressed and he said something it was weird so i just left and did not go back to the computer until this morning. I forced myself to get in bed i believe around midnight and i fell asleep sometime around then. I woke up a lot last night, matt made a noise and my door was open so i heard it and it scared me so bad, lol

so now i am up but i want to go back to bed. I go to work today, it is raining and i am thinking this is going to be fun, errrr. Ronnie called last night, the last few nights he has been calling and wanting to talk about how miserable he is, and i feel really bad for him, but last night i did not want to deal with it again so i did not answer his call or return it. it was my turn to be miserable and i wanted someone to comfort me, but by the time Matt came home, i did not want just anyones comfort, i wanted someone that i could hug and hold for hours, or something like that. Why is it that suddenly i keep thinking about Charles again, it has been a while since i have even seen him, i guess i am lonely and he just pops into my head. Also, talking to john last night, it was pretty tough, i really like him, but it is almost like a joke, not only is he far far away, but he is also not totally comfortable with the idea of being with a guy, understandable. He reads this so this may be a mistake on my part, talking about him, liking him, talking about liking him....

I just need to get another job, maybe that would help. i would be more busy, have less time to do the things i like to do, like going and working without pay at caroline's work.... lol.

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10/19/2004 4:00:54 PM

Today has been a short day, but not that short but i woke up late, oh my, i want to play simcity and the sims so bad but i don't really have time, i need to eat something and then i need to figure out what i am going to do for the rest of the day. the pool was closed, yet again.... :(

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10/14/2004 3:00:08 AM

Someone said the sweetest things to me last night, and it has just really made me happy when i think about it, even if he does not know what he is saying them to me for...

eh, mec, tu me fais bander comme un malade...ça me rend fou...j'adore to toucher et sentir ton corps
je t'aime...un peu , beaucoup, beaucoup , beaucoup, beaucoup....
I g2g for a while....but then , I don't want you to forget all the things I said to you!...I don't say sweet and hot things in french in anybody 's ear all the time or everyday...I never do that...and I did with you....and I meant it , so...don't just drop it!...

This may sound weird but it is just so sweet, i think about him wispering that in my ear and then him telling me that he did not want me to forget it after i said i would because i don't want to get a crush on this guy, it would be silly to.. but it is a nice thought... James and John say i am overly dramatic, i am sure they are right, but it is not always like this... i don't think i am dramatic but then again how many crazy people think they are crazy?

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10/13/2004 4:28:19 AM

i just found this... this is my old site, i think version 2 before it became imagin. Locater, my old site

I thought that was so cool that i still had it online... :)

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10/13/2004 4:12:55 AM

Song for today:

Snow Patrol - Run
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

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10/11/2004 6:11:48 AM

I Just played Sims 2 for my first time tonight, i am addicted, made one family and i am just having fun, giving up for tonight though. Otherwise i will be up all night


First is the house, i did not build the main design, but i did add on and rennovated some of it. The second is of Justin and Jacob relaxing on their bed just talking. I want to put more up but they take a while to get adjusted right, but this is fun... oh there is one more that i want to put up, but it can wait.

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10/6/2004 5:34:02 PM

I don't know what to say right now.

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10/4/2004 1:16:30 PM

I worked on some pics today, i just wanted to link to them here before i make thumbnails, i am not sure how to make thumbs for these two new sets.

Used to be Different

Galveston Set

That is all for now, page 7 has also been updated and i also have a new set of myself. i don't like this set cause i am not smiling in any pics and some of the angles are evil to me. I think i should call it sad instead of mixed.

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10/2/2004 8:32:47 AM

Today i am back in Huntsville, my throat hurts a little bit this morning, i am worried about that just a tad. I am supposed to go home this weekend to visit family, but if i recall... there is still only the couch to sleep on, and while it is a lovely couch, it is about 5 feet and i am 6+ feet and it just makes me crumple, but banana and i do sleep on it together so it is not all bad, just i wake up not being able to kick ass until i stretch for about an hour.

To James... I am sorry i scarred you for life, i could reccommend some salve to put on that to help it go away, but they don't make any. Banana? my cat? happy? with those titles would you think i was happy? HA! i know you are just picking on me, if i keep doing stuff like that you will always have something to say so that 'write a week or get booted' won't happen to you.

So if those pictures offends anyone else, or makes them want to gag themselves with a shovel i am sorry. I am not licenced to take nearly nude pics of myself because i am not anywhere close to the standards of today's models. However, i never said i was worth looking at, and yet at the same time, i should not scare those who are willing to at least look at my site regularly, otherwise no one will look at my site...

LOL, This is my site, and i will put on it whatever state of dress and fat body shots any time and however many i want. If that is offensive to you send me an email 'kevin at imagin.cc' Currently listening to: Come Around - Marc Broussard

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9/30/2004 1:42:17 AM

I just wanted to let James know that someone reads his journal and i wanted to know why he has not been online in a while and i glad he got a job. I read it

this keyboard is nice, it is like mine but the keys sound different, they are new and i think i am also in the zone so i am feeling pretty good sitting here and typing this. In Galveston, i work on saturday morning, i am kind of excited about that because it is going to be short but it will be moving things so i hope i have fun. i think i will.

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9/28/2004 12:22:54 PM

Today, good morning. I went to bed really early last night and i woke up at about 3 i think. i was exhausted but i could not get back to sleep becuase i could not stop thinking about things. i was laying next to my pillow and my body heat transffered to the pillow and reflected back to me. it was sich a nice feeling and at the same time i just wanted that damn pillow to be someone. I started to read the rest of the story i had and then i got done and tried to go back to sleep but i couldn't, i had to print out the next chapter, i ended up getting to the middle of chapter 8 i think, or nine, if 8 is the 25 page one then i am on 9.

I am a little upset that things have tured out like they did in 7 and 8, i was sad and i was so pleased with the writing becuase it made me want to cry, but once i got to the part about galveston i started laughing. I just hope that things work out and these ficticious characters that i have gotten attached to live happily ever after, after what they are going thru, all of them deserve it.

I went to the campus to walk today and to see if caroline was at work, i did not see her but i did run into april as she was walking to the library with James.... errr. i hate seeing him still, lol. maybe one day i won't care anymore. Wonder what it would be like to run into the other james now, i have not seen mr. Hicks in a long time.

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9/26/2004 5:27:00 AM

Another late night. Andrew came over and we started talking about redesigning the Drama site, so tomorrow i have to get up to start working on that again. on the plus side i will get to see andrews mom and we will get the drama site reservation system up. the down side, well as tired as i am now, the less sleep i get tonight will make thinking about the site tomorrow a pain.

I was going to run today like i had last night, i hate running but i wanted to clear my head before i went to bed last night and that did the trick, i would rather swim but the pool is not always open like it should be. lol well i think it should be.

I am at my parents house right now, we have guest here so i am going to be on the couch, not a big deal, i have been sleeping on it the last few times i have been here. I was listening to a show or a speaker one time a few weeks ago talking about how your home you grew up in becomes something that is no longer home, and you spend the rest of your life trying to get a home again, this idea of home you put into the house or apartment you move into but it just never quite fits exactly right. I guess sometimes there is just a need to go home, and when you home is not your home anymore that makes it tough.

I don't know why i mentioned it, i think i am tired and i was just thinking about how i dont' have a room here anymore, it is the brown room now, or tan room, or sun room... My mom will call it my room sometimes but i kind of want her to call it the brown or tan room because my room is not here anymore, i have relocated my space, i still have a few things in the closet but other than that, i live at my apartment. Now if i could just get some food to take back there, lol. Maybe my dad can help me out with that, if not then i got a check this week that will go for food instead of rent.

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9/25/2004 4:34:16 AM

I was about to go to bed, but i just wanted to run, this song was in my head but i did not know the words, so now this is my
New Song Lyrics to learn:

The Only Living Boy in New York

Tom, get your plane right on time.
I know your part'll go fine.
Fly down to Mexico.
Da-n-da-da-n-da-n-da-da and here I am,
The only living boy in New York.

I get the news I need on the weather report.
I can gather all the news I need on the weather report.
Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile.
Da-n-da-da-n-da-da-n-da-da here I am
The only living boy in New York

Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where,
And we don't know where.

Tom, get your plane right on time.
I know you've been eager to fly now.
Hey let your honesty shine, shine, shine
Da-n-da-da-n-da-da-n-da-da
Like it shines on me
The only living boy in New York,
The only living boy in New York.

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9/25/2004 1:46:04 AM

Today is the 25th, is that good? i don't know, we have not gotten an elctic bill that makes me a little nervous, i need to call them monday to see if they have sent one or if we are late or something... i hope we are not late.

I am sleepy but i don't want to go to bed. I have added a new user journal to the site, i am so happy to have it, it makse me feel like i am doing something usefull, but then again, i don't know if it will get used. :) Have a great day everyone

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9/24/2004 4:53:37 AM

I have a new photo set, this one is mainly for me so i can see if i am progressing. but i thought what the hell share it, so the pic is on the right, yeah underwear, i am sorry if that offends or scares you, i don't mean to scar your mind for life.

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9/23/2004 7:21:23 PM

so i had a good nights sleep finally, i am not going home today as far as i know, i want to just stay here, i thought about going to see Eric but i just don't know if that is wise. I don't know if i should go see anyone right now.

I hope that the weekend goes well, it may rain, and that would be nice.

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9/21/2004 3:12:42 PM

I have fixed the problem by reinstalling everythign... well almost everything, i still have games, and some more programs to install but i am getting there.

Steven cut my hair again, he is so nice...

I am going to go get some food now, i am hungry, i think tacos, bad for me but so tasty when i want them, well i shoudl say that sonic tacos are bad for you regular at home tacos, not nearly as bad.

I need to get a WYSIWYG editor on here, but that will not happen anytime soon

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9/20/2004 4:11:10 PM

I just... i messed up my computer, and i have a problem with some cooling hardware on a graphics card... i am goign to reinstall windows and i hope that works, if not i am not sure what to do. wish me luck...

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9/18/2004 4:22:35 AM

Tom and i talked tonight, we both agreed that we should wait to meet each other because of the current stress it is causing us trying to work things out with accomidations and finaces. I updated my journal layout tonight at about 3:00am, i am really happy with it now. I am glad i went back to it to work on it becuase i am so happy with the results.

I have been reading this story set and i just really like it. The site is Nifty.org, however this is a direct link to the story Boys of Summer (if this link does not work for you try going to nifty.org and this story is under the gay male/college section). I highly recommend it so far, however i am not done with it yet so it may not end well. I am on chapter 10 and some of the writing just makes me want and feel what is happening between... well read it and see if you agree.

Overall i feel so much better: after talking to Tom, talking to my friends (ABC order: Caroline, James, Matt, & Steven) more often this week, and swimming more.

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9/17/2004 2:28:54 PM

I feel better today, i want to work on my journal, get a new look for it although, the ideas in my head i cannot get down onto paper, and when i can i cannot get them down in html or asp. PHP billy's site is in it and i don't know anything about it other than how to open notepad and read some of it, understand none of it.

I was thinking something like changing this page up and jsut redoing so much of it, then i work on it and get tired of it... lol

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9/16/2004 2:34:19 PM

i am so numb

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9/16/2004 2:30:01 PM

So i sent tom an email, he called last nigth but we could not really talk because i was in the car with steven and i told Tom this and he did not want to be rude so he let me go, telling me we woudl talk in the next day or so. I wonder what it is that he is going to say...

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9/11/2004 2:29:23 AM

I have been sick for a few days but i am starting to feel much better. I got my hair cut yesterday, Steven cut it for me. I took some pictures tonight so you can see what i look like without much hair. View Hair Cut

So there you have it. That is really the only thing i have done so far. so take a look if you want, and for your information, i am sort of in the slow process of moving some pictures around on my site. Page 10 is now just pics of me, and the rest is pics i have taken and posted. So that is my update.

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9/4/2004 12:02:16 AM

I have updated some script that i believe will keep this connected indefinatly. This is a good thing so that when you begin to type your thoughts and life happens, the only thing that will happen is that you will lose your cursor and you will have to click in the box to start typing again. i am really happy that this is working and i hope that James is happy with this.

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9/2/2004 1:55:56 PM

Today is one of those days, everyone drives you up the wall. Everything my roommates do is bugging me today, they are not doing anything major at all, it is just me everything is bothering me. i just want to scream, but it would just hurt my throat.

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9/2/2004 2:09:45 AM

It is september already, that is so nutty

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9/2/2004 2:05:30 AM

I got a postcard from Tom, he wrote about wanting to seems, he is ready to meet and so am i, i just want to hop on a plane right now though, not going to happen. He is back home now, i am excited, i want to talk to him so bad, i miss hearing his voice. I am nervous too, meeting a guy i like so much is a scary thing, sweaty plams and cold feet make you want to run away, and i get that, lol. i wish i was not so far away sometimes, i am glad i am but at the same time i am not. Music: silverchair - miss you love then Norah Jones - Come away with me

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8/28/2004 4:01:04 AM

i just wanted to point anyone to this link here...
Letter to Tom

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8/26/2004 5:02:17 PM

Oh, and the olymics are almost over, it is so sad that all the cool stuff like swimming and gymnastics are over, volley and basket ball is not as fun to watch, you can see that any time, it is not often that swimming and gymnists are aired on network televison.

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8/26/2004 4:57:52 PM

I did some work on the drama site, we are about to switch it over to Niveknet servers so that will be good, it will give andrew something to do, he wants to move imagin over too, i don't want to, i will pay the 70 bucks a year or is it 80, for my name and server space, just so i can keep it here. I konwi don't get a lot of hits, but i would like to keep it here i don't know...

I talked to James (H.) last night, it was good to talk to him again, he looked at some of my photos and he showed me some of his, it was fun. I need to go shower now, i will have to .... darn it ok. got to go

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8/24/2004 1:52:39 AM

So here i am, Tuesday morning, 12:40am and i am just listening to Savage Garden - Gunning Down Romance. Today was such a great day, woke up showered and greg, caitlin and i played settlers untill it crashed, i think it has a lot to do with my system here not being as powerful as the other two but it may be an error in the game itself, make a huge multiplayer map and build a large army and start to move them all in to attack, well then you are going to crash it, at least on this network. Andrew will poke fun at me telling me what is up with your network, lol i don't think it is the network as much as it is how we are just so demanding of it and more so of the older server here. He will also tell me over and over again it is not really a server, i know that, but it is the server here, files are stored here backed up here and backed up again on dads computer, however, his system and greg's are not as reliable and the reason is becuase they use there computers. this one is used, but nothing is really ever installed on here, and the way it is setup, well if the os fails, and the drive needs to be reformatted, all files will be intact without having to even restore a backup. It is how i operate :)

The olympics, wow, i have seen some amazing stuff the past few days on NBC. So proud of all of those peoples talents and abilities. It makes me want to run outside and jup on the trampoline or hop on my bike when i am in huntsville, more so to just run and jummp in the pool. Matt and i went swimming friday, and it was great, i worked, pushed myself more than i maybe should have, but i was not sore in the morning, and i was extreamly happy about that. At the same time, i wonder why i was not sore, i feel like maybe i should have been a little considering i have not been in water for nearly 3 weeks prior, wow it had been that long.

Tom sent me an email i wrote about it already, he saw my "changed" photo set, i really pleased with the set itself but him just getting to glance at them and tell me that he thought they were beautiful (he needs to look at them longer to make a better comment, i just hope his opinion stays the same), and that it took courage to do something like that, it did on my part, but it is not something that will change the world for the better. However, it is not always the direct actions that are great and change the world, what can be good for one thing can domino a chain of events that leads to something spectacular.

I am jsut so happy right now, happy to have tom on my mind and a flame burning bright inside me, being home and getting to see my parents is just a great feeling. And Queer as Folk when i go back to huntsville, wow what a month this has been!!!

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8/21/2004 3:18:11 AM

I got an email from Tom today, he had a chance to view my pictures, but he did nto have time to look at them really becuase he was in public, he said as soon as they came up he had to close them :) but he wanted to look at them in private and he said nice things about them, he said fondly again, i am so happy. My brother is sick, he just started feeling bad, i hope he is better in the morning. I need to go to bed myself, it is really late.

I am so excited, wow, i am so excited.

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8/14/2004 4:45:32 AM

oh and warren i know you are looking at this, please add an ex to the end of the web addy right before the.htm so that the page will load faster for oyu, oh wait you are using cable, so speed is not a prob bob

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8/14/2004 4:43:55 AM

I got hit today, it was a hit from april telling me i needed to get my shit together and get a job, i love it when she kicks my ass, i just hope she won't do it when i don't need to. Steven came home tonight we talked for a while, i am too tired to do anything now, i wanted to but i don't want anything but the pillow now... I feel pretty good right now.

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8/13/2004 1:26:37 AM

Why is it that i am up at midnight when i went to bed at about ten thirty? i am not sure why i am up but i know why i am typing instead of getting to sleep. have you ever fallen for someone? what is that like, was it after you met them after you spent time with them?... Do i love tom, that is a quesstion i find me asking myself and sometimes a friend all the time, why am i asking it, because i want to know the reason i get like this when i don't hear from him ion a while. He is at camp and he is out of phone range so talking to him is not an option for me if he gets a chance to he calls but those are not often. I worry that i am thinking too much about him, i must be if i am loosing sleep right?


i have good days and i have bad ones, the good ones are great the bad ones are not so hot. on a good day i write to him about how things are great, bad days i write to him wishing that i could flatten myself out and mail me instead of the letter. those are a mix i sometimes want to do thoes things on both good and bad days, i guess that yestersterday was a bad day that started as a great one, and ended as a good one but laced between the hours of the day was mixed emotions of love and disgust. disgust with myself for not yet having a job, looking over the calendar and in less than two months i would have plans in full to see tom and i still am not working, i was supposed to have something to take off from by now!!! I worry that tom will think i am a loser or a bum for not working yet, i fear not havingt enough money to be finacially flexable to see him. i am going to try to go back to bed, i need some sleep. i miss talking to him, and i miss his voice, do i miss it or do i want it? i miss it becasue i like him a lot and hearing it means he is ok and not sick or hurt or able to talk to me if he has had a rough day and he wants to just let loose on someone about it so that he feels better. i don't want to be his punching bag, i just want to be an ear for him a sholder, a body and a brain i just like him a lot and i miss getting to talk to him more regularly, i feel as though this is punishment this ache to talk to him because i have not found work yet.

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8/11/2004 7:13:09 PM

It is thundering pretty bad out now, my ear is feeling better today, i want to go swimming so bad, and the olympics are starting soon, hot bodies in tight clothes, lol. sugar is sweet but is so bad for you, somtimes...

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8/10/2004 4:37:56 PM

About 3 days ago i worked on some photos, these photos i am pleased with as a set, i think they express a part of me that i feel all the time but am afriad to express it. i am not showing them they are on my site if you see this you may have already seen them so i just wanted to say that i am happy with them at this time, a little embarassed but over all i am pleased.

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8/6/2004 5:53:50 PM

She likes the 3rd style, i am so happy!!!

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8/5/2004 11:55:51 AM

Last night warren talked to me, and so did will for that matter, lol. I think warren wants to get back together, i tried to tell him about tom, i told him, i did not try, what i tried was to make him understand that i am looking at tom and not at him.

Will talking to me last night was funny i thought, he was not going to talk to me anymore because i have problems, and he did not need that in his life, now he wants to let me know it is alright if i tell him how i am doing from time to time. HA!

I got an email from the job thing, i need to go to there brenham or bryan office, so the next time i am in brenham that is what i will be going for. I was hoping there would be one in houston or huntsville, but not that one. Maybe it is a sign... Work in Brenham. i don't want to work in brenham i want to work here, i love my home but i don't want to live there.

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8/3/2004 1:52:51 PM

I am now back in huntsville. not only did i forget my glasses at my aunts house, i also forgot my contact solution and case at my parents' house so this mornign i woke up at about 8:30 and i went to the store returned some waterproofer i did not want and exchanged it with the stuff without silicone. I also got my contact solution, this is what i thought was funny, an Alcon Contact case alone is about $5.30, a travel box that has 2 ounces of solution, a contact case and rewetting drops cost about $5.90. Guess which one i got? the travel kit, why not get some solution and some drops for about .60 cents more?

feeling chunky like i am? try to get moving, that is my goal for this week, other than paying bills, working on WCRE, playing some sims and sim city possibly, watching QAF, regaining some flexibility, and trying to get onto someone's payrol

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7/28/2004 1:44:15 AM

This is a letter that i did not write, instead this person wrote it:

blueandgold
Untitled & Unsent Letter To My Parents
It's a little long, I'm not sure about the rules on length for posting..but here is something I wrote to my parents..but can't get the nerve to give it to them..
******************************

It's coming soon..
The BIG test..
To those who claim "unconditional love" for me.
Love that is supposed to last no matter what I do.

You said you'd always love me.
If I dropped out of school with failing grades
You'd still love me.
If I couldn't find a job
You'd still love me.
If I got into a drunken brawl fight and crashed the car.
You'd still love me.
I'm gay. I'm bisexual. I'm queer.
My sexuality is mine and I know
I definately am not "straight."
I am queer, the all-inclusive umbrella word
For anyone not purely heterosexual.
Do these words fall on deafened ears?
You said you'd always love me.

So how about now.. do you still love me?
For the way I was created
For a characteristic of me that I had no choice over.
Like my brown eyes and tall height.
Would you stop loving me someday if you'd found out I'd been hiding blue eyes with contacts and that I've been walking on stilts?
I'm still me.
I'm sitll Salvador.
The entity, the spirit, the heart
Is still the same.
But a non-visible characteristic of me,
that societal norms have forced you to assume is one way,
really isn't what you'd assumed.

I wonder what could make you so upset about it?
The fact that you were not aware of a large characteristic of me?
(And as my parents you are ashamed that you didn't know such a big deal of your child's life?)
Or the fact that I had a secret you didn't know about?
Or is it what the neighbors will think?
Or is it what your brothers and sisters will say?
I question why you worry the petty gossip and workings of the ignorant.

Oh wait, but now you argue this isn't a characteristic I was born with?
That I chose this?
That I made some bad decisions in life to somehow end up like this?
Do you know how ridiculous that sounds to me?

Damn I must have gotten the "gay" disease from one of those leftover pizzas I table-surfed on here in Berkeley.

Oh wait! I'm choosing this, right? For some great intelligent reason,
I am choosing
Choosing to be ostracized by most of society!
Choosing to force myself to be subjected to ridicule
harrassment
sneers and
hatred.
Choosing to fear ever holding a loved one's hand in public.
Choosing to be told I'm going to burn in hell.
Choosing to have to fear for my life at times.
Choosing to want to risk the loss of my friends
And most imporantly
Choosing to risk the loss of those who have loved me since I was born, my family.
Damn I'm a smart guy for choosing to be queer right?
Go College Education!

But we all know I had to have chosen this right?
I mean come on dad, come on mom..
Sit down with me for coffee and let's share stories
About when you chose to be straight?
Was it when you were 15?
16?
You woke up one bright sunny day and suddenly
God shot down a beam of light and you had the epiphany of your straightness.

Let's face it.
The fact is you never chose to be straight.
Just as I never chose to be queer.
We were born as this.
Just as I was born with brown eyes
Just as I was born with genes that would make me tall.

But I just have to have sex with a girl to realize I'm straight, right?
And if I have.. oh I have to find the right girl then?
Come on, we all know that isn't true.
You did not have to sleep with another guy or girl before realizing your sexual orientation, did you?
I didn't.
OH but what about all my past girlfriends?
There were quite a few.
And do you blame me?
For wanting to try to fit into society
For hoping that my deepest inner fears never became a reality.
I needed to explore
And I can't say they were bad
But I fear telling you I'm still questioning my sexuality
Because it may lend more support to your denial
or hope of a phase.

I'm still me.
I'm still Sal.
I'm still your son and brother. I'm still the son studying business and economics. The son who loves you all very much. The brother who cares so much about his younger siblings. I'm the same Sal that you watched take his first steps. The same Sal that stayed up late for his dad to come home from work. The same Sal that woke up early to read with mom. The same Sal that went out to look at Christmas lights every December with the family. I'm still your brother and son. And as always
I still love you all deeply.
And I'm not sure how I will deal should my strongest loves not be returned..
Just know that no matter what
I love you all and am very thankful for the wonderful raising and life you have given me.
Now is a time I could really use your support and love
But sadly I fear
It may be for the first time that you withold it.
I love you.

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7/27/2004 12:39:41 AM

I think i have made everyone look at that silly graphic today. I am satisfied for the time being. I need to shower though, i stink and whats worse is i feel disgusting. Too bad that does not stop me from wanting ice cream.

I got a letter from Tom today, it was a nice one. He is doing well and he has got of fun things going on for him as well as good things to think about like where he may work. He may be living in Maine sooner rather than later :) He likes Maine :. End

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7/26/2004 8:28:36 PM

i just wanted to say that i have been working on the drama site, and i am about to start on WCRE project. Put in a forum today, for BHSdrama.com and this is my favorite graphic from the set i made today:



I know it is simple, but i really am pleased with how it turned out. Compared to the others it is the best i think.

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7/26/2004 6:41:31 AM

All of my links are still wrong, if you happen to see anything like text.imagin.cc it most likely will not work because of our DNS switch.

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7/26/2004 6:38:32 AM

Stupid ASP sometimes works sometimes it doesn't, i don't know what it is, is it our scripting or is it the server... I was looking at the drama site, it is going to take a lot of work to get it back to a up-to-date state. I would like to redesign it, but at the same time, i don't want to do that at all. I don't want to mess with it. A redesign would mean a lot, a lot of time spent on it and i just don't have that much information to put into it. It is frustrating when your program was not completed becuase you let it go too long and then you want to finish it and you don't know how. My baby is dying.

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7/23/2004 4:09:42 AM

Caroline called me today, i was so happy to hear from her, i almost started crying when i heard her.

I did some work on the Drama Site today and yesterday i cleaned up my room some, i feel more comfortable in it now, i can walk in and close the door and not have to step over anything :)

Eddie is still going out with Brandon, and i know that Brandon is a good guy, but he must work on himself before he commits to my friend like he has. I don't know if they are just too young or if they are just not ready yet, i think they should slow down, but i am not getting involved.

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7/18/2004 8:02:19 PM

I have not written in a while, i have been away and recently we have been having some ASP issues with the server. I don't know if i want to move the server to niveknet or if i want to keep this one the way it is. I don't know, i guess i am just going to keep this the way it is for a while. I need to work on the WCRE Site soon, otherwise i am going to be in big trouble.

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7/8/2004 3:38:29 PM

I went swimming today with april at the city pool, it is really nice. The pool was nice too.

i don't know what else to say at the moment.

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7/6/2004 9:07:38 PM

I am at aprils apartment now and we are about to go to my apartment and watch Queer as Folk. I am excited. I have the first season on tape but not on dvd.

I am using aprils laptop rightnow and i don't think i want one, it is too hard to type on it, i guess i would get used to it, i seem to be doing ok at the moment. maybe it would be better if it was not on a tray.

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7/3/2004 1:45:20 PM

After some problems with our servers, because of letting our domain name expire, we are now back again, still working on some things though, so if something does not work, then we will try to get it too soon, or not.

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6/4/2004 9:36:49 AM

I just wanted to post a scary pic of me. Hello, i am scary :)

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5/24/2004 2:06:50 PM

I am a little anxious to get a job now. upon review of my finances, i need a paying job asap or else i will have to ask my parents for money that they will be very relutant to get. I also need to file suit against the wrecker service, i think i may get ready and have that done sometime after i get the 117 bucks to file.

i have gotten tired of web stuff, but at the same time there are so many things, toys i would love to have to play with. :)

i want so badly to talk about someone publicly, but i am a little afraid to do so at this point. i don't know if i should keep a public journal about my personal life and at the same time, if someone takes the time to read this, then maybe the could respect me as a person regardless of how i feel about issues.

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5/15/2004 1:22:57 PM

A step to equality in marrage This is a petition, sign it if you want to.

I knew i knew that Equal sign was something, i now know what. I have to go home soon, but i thought i would post this first. I am hungry

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5/13/2004 2:08:51 AM

Sometimes it is hard to understand words when it seems like you cannot describe in words all that you feel. Being with you in person sounds like a remedy to this doesn't it? :) It is a nice thought, makes me want to cuddle up and go to sleep on a rainy afternoon, in a bed next to the windows, the rain drowns out everything but your heart beat, laying close to it, my brain relaxes at its tempo, once fast from movement and rest causing it to slow greatly, the beat, , beat, , beat brings unimaginable weight to my eye lids and I let them fall closed and we fall asleep. Thinking about that is what makes me sad that great distance keeps us from meeting in person so you could discover how much or little we would enjoy each others presence.

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5/11/2004 9:45:49 AM

I talked to Rick last night, it was nice, it was like it was last week talking to him, made me feel a bit better. Yesterday i hung out with caroline a lot and that was nice, she outed me to some theater people, it was funny. I have good friends and i need to remember it.

I have a headache from wearing my hat to cover my bed head and also from not getting enough sleep. I hope i did ok on my bus law exam.

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5/10/2004 4:56:45 PM

I am back in huntsville again and i have somewhat of a plan, some of it i like to think about some of it i don't like to think about. So that is it really.

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5/8/2004 1:08:09 AM

I told my counseler about my thinking earlier in the week about suicide. We talked for two hours then we got her supervisor in to discuss my options. My mom came and got me and we went to houston to a hospital. This was tonight, i decided not to stay there because my gut said no, this is not for me at this point. I am planning on continuing couseling sessions for some time with a new couseler. I feel better now, i know that the chance of reccurance is high, however, i have plans to continue to work on this and i know things will improve.

I fear that i will never hear from Rick again, after all, who wants to meet with someone who broke off the first date because he had to go to a hospital because of suicide thoughts? i know i wouldn't really want to get involved in that with a person so i understand it. I am relieved that i did not see him tonight because if i would have met him tonight i am afraid i would have been bad company. Because of the events that took place today, i feel as though there are things that i can do to not feel this way, and i hope that i can continue to improve and be open with my friends and family.

So things are better and i am going to go to bed soon...

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5/7/2004 12:36:27 PM

This is what, day three of no Trillian.... It is getting tougher, cause there are times when the only reason i get on the computer is to see who is online and now there is no need to do that, so i come in here and there is nothing to do, it has been forcing me to go outside and things like that. Experimental was really funny, and i still would like to see it again on saturday however i don't think i would want to watch the whole thing again.

I have scuba work do do and i don't care. I just don't want to do it, that is sad you know.

My arms and legs are still sore, arms are worse today. I don't know what i am going to wear today, something nice duh, lol. What to do, i want to go home and garden, i don't want to be sore anymore, this hurts. Caroline and steven are leaveing today so it will just be matt and me here... i don't want to be here anymore, lol. I do i just want not to have to get a job or something i don't know, there is something wrong still. I did eat last night so i still am not starving myself too much, that is good. But if i stopped drinking water, in about 5 days....

I can't do that either, i want to cuddle, but this morning i woke up and i was glad i was alone, i don't get it. Why am i letting things get to me that i shoudl not even be thinking about like warren and eric and rick. To clarify it is not them it is me that is the problem. I don't know what in the heck i am doing really.

Notice how i talk more here when i don't have Trillian open? It is because i know warren reads this i think, so i want to say a lot, if no one read it i don't know if i would write as much, no i would write more because i would know no one would read it and there woudl be no fear of saying how confused i am about warren and how much i am scared of meeting rick and school getting out and why do i want to end my life when i don't like how things are going? I have thought about being committed sometimes to see if that would safe me from normal society, keep me away from those people i just make things worse. I told Don in an email that i was not a good student in his class and told him a way to make the class better would be to filter students like me out of the class so that they would not have to waste time on people like me. i was not the only one.

I was the 'Wrong Guy' because of the bobby pipe set up looked wrong to me, so i kept saying it, and that is what i was before terra and Mrs. Childs knew my name.

It was hot when i woke up this morning, about 74, i thought i was about to die, and i didn't, lol. My arms still hurt. why? i did some pushups yesterday to try to work on my nasty ass pecs.

I don't know why i am thinking about him, when i get lonely now i think about him, and i think about how immature he is, i never noticed it before, i guess i did not care before. I am not mr. Mature myself, but in comparison to him, i think i am in some ways not as immature. we have so little in common, and it is hard to talk to him sometimes, and sex would most likely never be great for him with me. So why is it i keep thinking about him? is it the comfortablility of already knowing him, so that makes things a little more easy, we have done things with each other that broke ground for me and it is something i gravitate towards because it is easy? it is hard to not think about it.
Then again, i think about him more like this when we have just talked, and this time it ended bad for me so i think about it more. Why is it easier for other people to have a job they hate and stuff they have to do that they hate and they don't seem to hate there lives, i hate mine and i got nothing in it that i hate really, with the exception of the things hovering over me now like finance and job search and the fear of hating it. I cannot hate my job, that is something i cannot do, and others can do that, something they hate. I can't do it. I can do a lot of things, but that is something that drives me skin nuts. There is no point. sure you do what you have to do, but if you hate something you shoudl work to change it, my problem is i am afraid i would hate the work to create change and i have apathy for life.

If Rick is reading thisnow, then i am sorry that you read this because it is not something you need to hear from me, but at the same time... This is how i feel now, and i am not going to hide it at this point in my life, i am being honest in hopes to discover something i never thought about or see something in a new light.

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5/5/2004 9:51:01 PM

I went walking today, i came in to make a journal entry and then i went walking, on the walk i though about jumping off the top of a building, but i stopped when realized that 4 floors would most likely not kill me. i got back at about 7:30 so i was outside for most of the day, i took the photos i needed and while i don't think they are great they are done. i fell asleep and woke up and now i am hungry. so i am going to eat although i don't want to i want to eat but if i could stave myself i would but that is slow death, not what i am looking for.

i have exited trillian and that is hard for me, sometimes the only reason i get on the computer is to check to see who is online and now i am not doing that, so that is why i went walking today. the hot guys were playing volley ball all day today with some girls and it pissed me off a little to see them in there nice bodys and then me with my blah. Warren talked about pity, i should not pity myself, i don't think that is what i am doing, but then again, what i see is not what others see so i am doing it... I hate how things are but i am not willing to do anything about it, i cannot even kill myself becuase i am so lazy. anyone mad at me? find me and drug me or something, end my life quickly cause fuck knows i am not going to do it myself. I was thinking today, if there was a god would god kill me for me? probably not, but i don't believe in god so that makes my mind spin when i get to a point when i think like that. some would say that is my problem, i would argue with them but i am too tired to bother.

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5/5/2004 3:19:47 PM

Today has started like crap at about 1 this morning till now, just bad. I don't know what the hell i am doing. i don't want to do anything, i just want to be sucked up and away from here.

Now this is not the steps you take to have a good day now is it?. No.

I need to get away from the computer becuase all i do is stay on it and i need to get out, so i just need to go. my friends are watching a movie but i think i am going to go away, i hope everyone has a great day, i give you mine because mine for myself is a waste.

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5/5/2004 12:55:03 AM

what is wrong? i don't know, i am horny, i am lonely, i can't speak about everything here, so i ahve to move to private... and i don't want to

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5/4/2004 9:10:55 PM

I just wanted to add that rick is a good guy from what i know of him so far. I did not intend to make him sound like i jerk, and i think he knows that :)

I have been a bad boy today, a very bad boy.

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5/4/2004 8:36:27 AM

Rick called me last night and i wonder how much he wants to talk to me, we did nto talk too long, it was a while, but he mentioned how online guys have not worked for him in the past and it just kind of sounded like he did not like this too much, talking to me, i told him i was a little miffed that i did not get to see him yesterday, that i wanted to meet him. he said he was sorry and i told him he did not need to be sorry, i said to him that i has made myself cute, that is when it started to sound a little odd, he made it sound like he did not want to talk much, then again it may have been him being tired or something, i am not sure, oh crap i need to go to class. bye

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5/3/2004 5:43:41 PM

so now i have gone to best buy, no dice there. Need to look elsewhere, not sure where or what, maybe downtown, not sure yet....

everyone i know is breaking up, well at least they are not directly around me, i either never see them, or very rarely talk to them, so i guess i lucked out there.

i am really hungry right now, i have food in the oven and it is cooking away, but i want food now. for breakfast i had rice and that was it, and now it is 5, even though i did wake up at about noon, now it is time to eat. Rick called me and told me that he could not do anything today, and that is ok, i was just hoping that i would have gotten to meet him today. I got all cute and everything, lol.

I am really tired, dragging almost, i guess the drive and the let downs kind of took it out of me, but at the same time, i think it was best that they were not available to me, i need to find something a little more local unless it pays really well.
i am a little more jelous of andrew now, he has a new apartment he is making good money, he knows where he is at now, and i don't feel like i have a clue at all. but that is how most of my life has been anyways so it is not so bad because for me, i don't know anything else other than being happy and not knowing where i am, and believe me those don't both happen at the same time.

I have a floresent light in my room now, i only like it because i can keep it on all day and it is not like a regular light bulb. but at the same time, i need one of the halogen lamps on to make the lighting a bit warmer. i temporarly changed my closet light too, and i don't know if i like it or not, sometimes i leave it on for a long time and sometimes i turn it on and off really quick.

i went into pier 1 today and i have to say there is a lot of crap there but a lot of good ideas, they have some crap as far as dishes and some of the rugs, but some of the things seemed to be rather nice. I started thinking about how much i would like to have some lit panels in my room to give an appearance of a window. one thing i don't quite understand is why the designer of this building chose not to put windows in the bedrooms like this. i like that it is dark when i sleep, but at the same time, i don't like the sun has no chance of waking me up and i cannot open a window to feel the breeze because, i don't have a window. But more on this later. i am in need to file suit soon, i don't want to. Wish i could just get the 65 back in the mail without all of this work.

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5/3/2004 8:54:34 AM

I think i am totally over my crush on james now, i think it happened a few days ago but i think i have clicked now so i feel better.

I am goign to go to Conroe today and then i have hopes to meet with Rick, nervous? a little. Excited and nervous, i really hope i look cute today, lol.

Best Buy, i hope that goes well, i hope that what is supposed to happen actually happens.

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4/30/2004 10:31:53 PM

I saw 30 plays in 60 minutes tonight, it was really nice to watch, Patrick asked if i was able to see the musical scene he is in tomorrow, and i would really kind of like to watch it because i like Patrick, lol.

I am going to go home tomorrow and i am so ready for that, really need to do laundry and things.

I just wanted to say that i hate people in general, not really, i just am really upset about James, i saw him tonight and i wanted to crawl out of my skin and run as far away as i could. I wanted to melt into the floor and flow out of the building like lightning. Bastard, Cute? That fucker, why oh why did i tell april, why did i feel like i did, why can't i stand to be around him, i wanted to leave when i saw him there.

I am better now, i am here and things are good, away from that shit. I think i would like to see patrick's scene.

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4/30/2004 5:14:02 PM

oh man am i tired

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4/29/2004 7:40:59 AM

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4/29/2004 6:58:55 AM

Ginny and i finally got together last night, she came over here and we talked and then we went over to her dorm for a while and that was really cool. Her roommate is gay, and i got to talk to her and it was really cool, we talked about the EVEC, james and other things too, it made me feel good to talk to her and be there, she was really cool.

Meetings are at 9pm on mondays in the collisium somewhere.

I was talking to Rick before bed and i started to fall asleep and he and i got off the phone and i fell asleep, i woke up with the headset still on my head and i said i am sorry i fell alseep and i realized we had already said goodbye, i thought that was funny, i wanted to call him back and tell him, but i decided against it.

i have my classes today, i am a little worried about lighting today, but not too worried, because i have my work nearly done, i just need to present it. I also do need to make an appointment with legal to finish filing this suit.

what else is going on??? i have not written in a while, the date say i wrote yesterday, but i was being silly because of something Rick told me about... mmm, well i am a little hungry and my breath is stinky an di need to take care of that really soon, so i need to get off the computer to do that. later everyone.

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4/29/2004

How would i change the lighting classes to better suit me. Assessment of how to make the class a better class, tours, how would i chnage the class to make it benifeit me, (spelling)

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4/29/2004

How would i change the lighting classes to better suit me. Assessment of how to make the class a better class, tours, how would i chnage the class to make it benifeit me, (spelling)

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4/29/2004

How would i change the lighting classes to better suit me. Assessment of how to make the class a better class, tours, how would i chnage the class to make it benifeit me, (spelling)

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4/28/2004 12:49:33 AM

Just an update about Rick, in a past entry i may have sounded like i was calling him a drunk, and an error in that sense has been made, he is not a druck, an at the time he was talking to me, he was not druck, this was mearly the term i used to express how i felt, and it has no reflection on the actions or personality of Mr. Rick.

Rick, i am sorry i made you sound like something you are not, i hope that you can forgive me.

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4/26/2004 12:35:37 AM

Sean the distant one started talking to me again. I don't know what his motives are but oh well. I did not shower this morning and i just stayed inside most of the day, not what i wanted to to do, but i did do a lot of things i am proud of so that was good, i helped my brother with a problem he was having, so that was good.

what did i do today, oh i calculated the amout of money it cost to make a color and black and white print on photo paper, in bulk, but it costs more with the paper i got because there is less of it.

i have been measuring my room so that i can make a footprint of it on my computer to see how i can place things. if i had something like bryce on my system i may be able to make a nice 3d rep of it, but i won't because i am not installing that on my computer.

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4/24/2004 2:47:22 AM

After the show we all went to IHOP we had a great server, Barbara. She was fun. There was this guy in the kitchen, and i don't know for sure, but i think he kept making eye contact with me, and i kept looking at him, it was kind of weird, i almost wanted to talk to him, but i said nothing. IHOP is expensive, i guess you get what you pay for, you want to eat something so late, pay this much...

I am kind of feeling better about april talking too much, however, i am upset that she said anything still. I am getting over it :P

I am moving on, i need to get out of here, and do something with my life, no wait, i want to do nothing and go nowhere i just want to stop existing. That is my problem... wait no. The pool opened today, and boy was that nice. I got to swim, and i am really out of practice; not that i am at all a good swimmer. The water was nice, i swam several laps, with breaks between and when i got home i think i drank about 3 glasses of water, i thought i was going to get sick, i may have pushed myself a little too hard, but it was really nice to swim. Oh so this guy at IHOP i went outside to make a call and when i got back in, he was gone, i was upset, but at some point he came walking in the front door, my mind was telling me, he took a cigerette break, or he saw me go out and he went out there to talk to me, lol, the latter is the one i was kind of hoping for, but i don't know, and knowing me i probably never will know. He had a hat with a playboy bunny on it, so now i am thinking it was a cig break. Smokers......:(

I need to strip down and shower and go to bed, show tomorrow, i feel bad that i cannot help out with UIL, however, i believe my motives were entirely dishonorable.

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4/23/2004 1:43:14 PM

I feel a little better now about not getting to go, i do get to go monday though so that is good. although it is 2 weeks in a row i missed, i just had so much to talk about, or wanted to talk about with her.

On a lighter note, i did not have any more dreams about him when i was sleeping and i thought about how out of my league he is, and while it kind of hurts, it makes sense, so.... Crush or no crush, i am moving on. I think i made rick mad last night telling him about how i did not like that he was talking to me when he was drunk. i don't know if he is going to want me to talk to him anymore, after all not only did i tell him about that, i also told him about the crush.

New thoughts now anyone? how about photography, i did not do so well on this last assignment, little upset about that, also the photo i had, smeared some, the one i did not turn in, and i really liked that one, i have to re print it if i want it on paper, i really like that picture.

I found the paper cutters in the photo lab, so that was nice to be able to use those instead of what i had been using.

my lips are dry... better, ever since Arkansas, i have been using Burt's Bees chapstick, and i really like that stuff, i notice i apply it less often, after i wake up, after i shower and when i get home, very seldom to i have to put some of the chapstick in my back pack on while i am away from my desk. oh i need to make my bed now that i am up at nearly 2

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4/23/2004 10:44:32 AM

It is Friday morning, and boy am i upset, i had an appointment to go to counseling today, however, i got a message this morning telling me that she is sick, i am sorry that she is sick, and i am not upset with her, i am just upset that i wanted to talk to her today and i did not get to last week and now i didn't get to this week, it is just a little upsetting.

i am feeling better now, going to lay down and sleep it off some. Steven has counseling today, i am jelous, and i can't spell it. I am kind of cold, lol.

I talked to eddie a little last night, i wish i hadn't, it was nice to hear from him again, but i shouldn't of talked to him, it just made things more painfully clear, i had a dream that started with hello and ended that way, and it made me think, if that is how it is going to be from now on, i am going to be pissed. Why did i tell april, you know that does not matter, forget about it, move the hell on, find a job, get away and be that way.

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4/22/2004 8:43:08 AM

I am in the tries lab but i cannot login to the system so i am kind of stuck. but that is ok :) i was not really in the mood to work on anything at the moment anyways. so here i am, Andrea is sitting next to me and i am annoying her with my constant intterupting her project process. By now, my friend eddie would be telling me that i type too slow. andrea says i am being too loud, that is ok with me, because this morning i really don't give a 'insert derogatory comment here.'

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4/21/2004 11:45:58 PM

STUPID

I am so pissed at myself for letting things get like this, gay male PMS is what i have now, and i am so fucking angry.

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4/21/2004 11:35:37 PM

no i changed my mind i have more to say.

I looked at the stonewall forum today, and for some reason it hurt me to look at it, not to look, but looking made me think about somethings i had talk to a friend about and it just felt weird, i don't think i should have it bookmarked.

Steven told me about telling someone about my site, and i tried to ignore that he told me, i really wanted to know how the conversation got to there, but it really does not matter much. i just was hoping that i would get some extra hits today and i didn't. The show is going ok, there were some problems today but larry seems to be not mad at me and Don seems to be happy with me too, so i feel better about all of that.

My mind had gone blank, i don't know what to say anymore. My hand feels better, that medication i was using i think was just too stong. None of the spot ops are listed in the program, the one that is listed, is not running spot, so that was a little frustrating. I am really gald that i have been cleaning my room, but i did not do all the things i had planned on doing today, like contact the JP #3 and read my internet assignments, but oh well, i don't really care, that is my problem with that. I have not read a good story in a while, kind of sad, and last night i talked to Rick and when i took a shower he left a message and told me he was tipsy because he had been drinking before he called me and that upset me. I thought about my crush again and i am thinking that i am just really dumb, dumb dumb. an ongoing theme for me.

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4/21/2004 11:33:06 PM

ok today was better than last night was. I stayed up too late last night and i am hungry now, i hope that tomorrow is quick and painless cause i don't want it to be long, class from 8-330 then show from 7-11, it makes a long day.

I don't even want to shower now. errr. but at least my bed is made, however, i don't have a picture of a great person, i don't know how i am going to do that...i am goign to go eat now, then shower, then go to bed.

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4/20/2004 11:33:23 PM

I just gout out of rehearsal not too long ago and now i am in the library. It is kind of boring here, too many people for this time of night, although there is always a lot here, now for the question, why am i not going home?

because i am not ready to go home yet, i really like that i have been cleaning my room, but i am not in the mood at the moment to go home to deal with my roommates, i love them don't get me wrong. Today was just frustrating, larry got mad at all of us cause we got food (in the booth area, BIG NO) and earlier i was kind of yelled at because i was late, but i did not know that the call had been moved to 5:30, i was the only one who didn't know, shit i forgot something, i have to go back

I hope tomorrow goes better.

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4/20/2004 1:50:13 PM

Here i am in the lab again, it feels like it has been a really long time since i have been here. Incubus - I miss you
i love that song, the lyrics, nice

I miss you
Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
'I miss you'?
I see your picture,
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
.But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

Really like that one. So history, hummmm, to skip or not to.... i think i am going to, he probably will be talking most of the time anyways and it will be really boring really. i know i need to go to class, but i really don't like that one at all.
I am listening to music this time with my nice new player, i really like it a lot. Money well spent. It is funny how much less i notice with these things on, like yesterday i noticed someone in the green room that i would love to talk to but have nothing to say, lol. And i had my phones on so i did not really think much, just get out of there was all that came to mind. And normally i notice the people around me and now, i got nothing, i am not noticing really anything, i guess that is mainly due to the music filters out the sounds of the lab so i ignore what people are doing. i also am not paying attention to the amount of noise i am making, the guy next to me on my right seemed to be looking at what in the hell i was typing in, but other than that, nothing is really going on. He is looking at a lot pf pictures of women, i think it is funny, because if i was home i dont' think at this moment i would be looking at photos of guys.

speaking of photos of guys, i so badly want to take a picture of two guys kissing, that would be hot, so hot. . . Thinking about it is hot, picturing it is hot, thinking about the emotion that goes into it is hot. lol.

Steven never told me about why dean is getting replaced. I really need to shave i think. and take a great photo of someone. hummm i think. i need to go.

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4/18/2004 3:29:37 AM

I went to the costume shop to work tonight, it is really late now and all i did was two minor things. I am sleepy and tired, but i don't want to go to bed, i need to stop staying up so late...

I have been trying to learn people's names in the cast, it is tough, there are a lot of people that look similar and they are new so i have not really seen them before.

I keep thinking i am seeing aaron around, but i think there are just a lot of people that look like him around here, lol. It was weird, and i miss Eric a little, i had a dream about warren, it was sexual, but weird, we did not have sex, it was just sexual and jsut weird, lol.

I keep looking at Jame's journal to see whenhe posts something new, i am so sad. I just don't want to do anything. Sean was sad about this guy and he is tired of being alone, and i am too, but i know that i am not really ready, or something, i just have not met the right guy i guess. Eddies BF Brandon wrote something to me and i read it and i wanted to write him back but he is never online, i guess i can send him an email. This morning i did some minor web work, i started working on the information page for chelsea, but it is turning into something that i could let my mom use and it may help her, it may not help anyone at all.

I wish i had counseling this week, i missed it this time, i wanted to go. I wanted to talk more about how i feel about not feeling motivated, and open up to the real me i guess you could say. Working in the theater has been positive and negitive, one i get to talk to people, and that is nice, the bad is that sometimes i don't want to go, i don't want to be there, but today was more fun than the last time. so that is good. and i am learning people's names slowly.

i wanted to watch the simpsons before bed, but now i think i may just skip that one all together. I have a history test i need to study for sometime this week and i also have soemthing else, oh yeah, i need to really find a job and also file suit or get ready to. i hope i don't have to, but i am ready to.

I ate too much candy tonight, i think i am really gaining, and it is scaring me, cause i cannot tell if i am getting bigger or not. I want to have fun, play relax, and while i am not really working all that hard, i am not taking it easy either, because even when i relax , my troubles with money are still there, i am just afraid to get a job, i am afraid to be burned out, but i guess if i am, then i have to deal with it, figure out away to continue to burn as i finish up my life.

I am Gay, i am attracted to guys, i like guys, i want people to know for only one reason, lol, i want a man now :-P I want to cuddle and talk and go out and stay in and go away and come back and be on my own and be with someone. That kind of feeling. Takes a deep breath. OK i am going to shower and then maybe watch a vidoe or just go to bed. Night everyone, happy day, Oh happy day :P

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4/17/2004 10:25:16 AM

I am running spot for Guys and Dolls on some nights. not my job of choice but it is something to keep me out of trouble.

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4/15/2004 8:19:48 PM

Oh man, that show made me think about my grandparents and i just could not stop crying. whew, my head hurts now, all that sinus pressure.

i walked home and listened to music it was really nice to be able to do that. it made me walk slower too, lol. i will have to talk later, i don't really feel like it now

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4/15/2004 2:09:57 PM

I found the browser that will let this thing update at school, i am not sure why it won't work in anything other than HotJava, must be some security settings or something.

I am running the light board for Guys and dolls so my evenings are now consumed again for a little while. i don't want to really do this, however, i know i will have fun. i really need to go to the store to get some food so that i will have snacks on the days that i do to work.

i don't like that i have to use this browser to get this thing to work. i wonder why it does that.

still have that crush...... the more i look at his work, the more i want to talk to him. Steven wants me to talk to him, but i don't have anything to say to him. What do you do when you want to get to know someone but you are afraid of them, afraid of getting to know them. Afraid that there is nothing there to look forward to.

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4/15/2004 2:09:32 PM

This is a test to see if this thing will update.

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4/12/2004 9:49:43 PM

So i am back at my apartment, afraid to get a job, afraid to go to school tomorrow, afraid to get in trouble with Don, Fearing my grades in Law and History.

The only thing going well for me now is Photography, and i don't even know if i can keep that one up.

I am afraid that any job i get will be one i hate, when i was working at wal-mart over the winter break, all i could think about was how nice it would be to get back to huntsville so i would not have to deal with these people and have more time on my hands. I was only working about 40 hour weeks, never much more than that, and i felt so drained, i don't think i am in great physical condition, but i should not feel so exausted when i come home from one day of standing up all day should i? if i was moving boxes all day or something maybe, but just standing there?...

The other thing is that i like having the free time, or at least knowing that every few weeks i don't have to be at work or something you know? how can you get up 5 days a week, all year long, day in and out doing the same thing all the time, dealing with the same situations... how do you do that? i dont' know how those older people can work at walmart for 20 years, i could not take it for 9 months.

A friend of mine suggested becoming a waiter... HA a bad job to a worse one? i don't know what i want, all i know is that i am tired of nearly everything, i am even getting tired of the computer, tired of having a bill over my head, a client lingering behing me all the time and no knowledge on how to complete the URL situation.
I don't talk to anyone i used to, Steven and caroline seem to be upset with me for goign to SA, Eric has a boy now, so does Aaron, James will have one by the time i stop having a stupid crush on him and i am not in the right place now. Where do i go? what am i here for? I thought i already served my purpose, i guess i was wrong, i feel like i have been used to maximum capacity, time for me to go. But you can't leave when you don't know how you got here, because you don't know where here is, and you dont' know if there is anyother place than here. any other feeling. Sure i can be happy, and sad and everything, but that emptyness i feel still is behind it all. Behind everything it is there, it is the shadows that are cast by happy days and sad ones. Only when it is dark it is still there, and when there is nothing to block the light, it swallows it.

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4/11/2004 7:18:14 PM

i had a good weekend, however, at the moment i am in a weird mood, kind of a bad one, feel alone, don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere, but i don't' want to be here. Sounds like something to print out for counsling.... how in the hell do you spell that anyways?

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4/11/2004 7:15:35 PM

This is a test to see if this works again, i don't know if it will

I had a long weekend, i went to visit Warren in SA then to My Aunt's had a good time. Now i am here, and i really am in a weird mood, i am not sure what it is... Well I will talk later, now i need to go. Hope this thing updates.

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4/8/2004 10:59:52 AM

Today i took my exam in Law, i am a little worried about it, i am going to go to SA for a few days, and visit my friend down there, get away for a bit.

i cleaned my desk some

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4/6/2004 4:08:34 PM

don't tell anyone, i took a sick day....

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4/6/2004 7:53:10 AM

I wrote this in a profile thing:

I keep logging in to mogenic, hoping that in doing so, i will attract the attention of some great person. There are lots of Great people out there but i shoudl make an effort to make myself great, not expect someone to talk to me first. That is not very fair.

It is just that i keep logging in, hoping to see a new message, hoping to get a letter in my inbox that says, you have new mogenic mail. Why do i have a crush on this guy at school? why can't i get over it, why is it getting worse. Becuase i want him to know i like him, i want to be able to walk up to him and say hi, how are you? what are you up to. i can have a conversation that is intellegent and meaningful to both of us. i want him to like me back, lol

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4/6/2004 7:10:58 AM

I was laying in bed, awake most of the night. Thinking about the things i need to do, things i wnat to do, and all the things i wish i did not have to do and those other things i don't want to do. Too many to do's

I need to stretch but i hate stretching though.

I talked to april last night about my crush and how i saw him yesterday and how i started walking faster, away from him. She asked me why i did that, why don't i just talk to him, that is what steven said too. Why won't i talk to him? Because, in the past all that has happened from talking to someone is awkwardness at somepoint. While meeting Aaron was fun and uplifting, when things changed from i don't know what to what it is now, that was kind of tough. i guess the not knowing what was going on was part of it. My experience level is not very high when it comes to these things.

Another reason is because i don't think he is right for me, he smokes he writes some sad stuff a lot, not that i can't do that myself, but he does it. He is younger than me, he is more dramatic than me. Talking about him like this is just going to make me realize what it is i like about him.... And that is a point i need to make, i don't even know what it is about him that i like.

He is an attractive guy, caroline and i talked about that, lost of people like him because of that. He is intellegent, and while a lot of the stuff he writes is depressing and his life seems full of woe, he communicates that so well, it just seems like wow. He is so Smart (it seems).
The Used - Blue and Yellow I really like that song woke up to it this morning
I have started to look at his livejournal nearly daily, and his site often... i don't know why, there is a part of me that wants him to say something that i could comment to, but i am sick of talking to people online. I need to find the courage to just talk to him, and at the same time, i need to find my brain and stop crushing on him.
i think it is just how i work, i need someone i can point my affection towards, and if i know the person is not within my reach then i am safe, but i have been having crushes on guys in my reach but they are not at all interested, Russell, and Aaron, lol those were a laugh and a half. But this guy.... i don't know. Drop it, talk to Sean and be happy with what you have, find something to make your life better.
be happy in what i do, do something that makes me happy, i just wish i

What makes me happy is feeling needed, appreciated, and loved and knowing that i am these things. When i first started working at wal-mart i felt these things, most jobs start like that. However, over time, it became a feeling that i was needed for a use, to fill in a number, use him not because it is kevin but because it is op 4581 and he does a pretty good job, his IPH is always pretty high and we need to use him. I don't want to be used, i don't want to feel like i have to fight to do what i want everyday. Managment wanting me here then pushing me back to there, never knowing if i was going to be in one spot for the entire day. I jsut don't like that envionrment and unless you are in it, it is really hard to explain.
Besides i was talking about this guy. i think i do guys in three, when i was talking to aaron, Ronnie and Warren were talking to me a lot, and now it is this Crush on (this guy) and i am interested in talking to sean more, and i really miss warren and i ahve been thinking about him more often. I just need to stop all of it, none of it is good for me is it? i can't seem to consentrate on anything anymore. i have been going for walks, ending up in the theater, i help with one or two things and then i leave. I have reasons to leave, i have other things i was planning on doing, i feel bad for only helping for thirty mins the other day, but it is not like i had to show up at all. Theater is a part of me, that activity i have not found elsewhere. However, if i did, i would probably go there instead of theater. I am sick of politics. I was reading something, nevermind that.

This Journal has some flaws, other than code, and that is that sometimes i write in this thing, hoping that people will read it, sometimes like with this entry, i hope that my crush would read it, and guess it may be him, in my mind, i would hope that eh would think, no way, he likes me? i never would have guessed it, he is cute... lol. What do i need to do? What do i need to plan out, or accomplish? Why am i here? Why do i ask these questions, does it even matter?

I still have not cleaned up my desk.

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4/5/2004 2:15:06 PM

I am going to go for a walk.

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4/4/2004 4:39:55 PM

i just found some pics of Jennifer Garner and she is so.... i don't knwo she Rocks, i love Alias... love it, i need to catch up, i am like more than half a season behind i think. i have not seen an episode in a long time. :(

http://www.alias-tv.com/jenpix.html that is the site
for those pics.
To show you my room that is such a mess, well my desk is really bad, just look at it


i really need to clean this up

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4/3/2004 3:53:16 AM

for my live journal username 'kredone' i found this on one of my friends sites and i put my name in it and so here it is now.

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Beauty
In a survival situation, you:	Scream for help
Your hidden talent is:	Resourcefulness
Your gift is:	Ability to acquire wealth
In groups, you:	Play an organisational role
Your best quality is:	Your sensuality
Your weakness is:	Your jealous nature
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

I think it it is interesting, also for my full aim name and user name 'kredonetwothree' :

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Beauty
In a survival situation, you:	Fight, but reluctantly
Your hidden talent is:	Endurance
Your gift is:	A loving heart
In groups, you:	Are the entertainment
Your best quality is:	Your creativity
Your weakness is:	Your timidity
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

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4/2/2004 11:00:48 PM

Home for a day, well, two days one night. I am here and i am about to go to bed, i wish i had my book with me though, i really want to read it now. Everyone has plans though so after i do laundry i am going to head out and get back to town, i would love to play the sims for a bit, that is all i know for sure.

I watched old school with my brother tonight, he keeps buying movies, but he keeps buying the full screen versions, i don't understand that at all, i am happy that he is getting somethign he wants, but i wish he would pay attention and get the wide screen version, there is no difference in price and you are getting the whole movie, plus you have the option to switch it to full screen. i am not a movie buff, but if i buy a dvd i make sure wide screen is available and try to get that. Just one of those nit picky things. when i was younger i preffered full screen because it was easier to see, but once i saw a movie in full screen that i had just recently seen in wide screen i realized how much was cut out, it was not worth it to pay for a movie that has the sides cut off. lol but this is like i said, just me

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4/1/2004 1:50:49 PM

I finally got a Picture of the Week In my Photography class. So far i have been nominated 3 time and on the third nomination i got voted in. Now the class was not as full as it normally is, but i got one!!! So excited, i almost forgot that i have to go to my history class for an exam that i did not study for.

The cat in the Hat is tonight, well today, at 5:15pm
i have to meet April in the costume shop at Five, and i think that i am going to go home after the exam, shower, and then go on up there, well.... hummm, i should try to talk to steven and caroline, however i may want to do this on my own, i don't know. Crush........

My life is a crush, one after another, it always has been, and most of the time the object of my immature affection was unobtainable, but now, as i am older, my crushes seem to be on those that are at least in a more general presence, they are not television stars that are hundreds of miles away. No, they are now people that are a few blocks and turns away, living within a 50 mile radius. No longer unreachable, however, still unobtainable.

This guy next to me is breathing out of his mouth and his breath is really bad, i keep smelling it and i don't know what is worse, the smell, or the smell and knowing that it is coming from the air that has been in his body, his mouth and is most likely (like most air) full of moisture that is body is emitting. Whew, the smell the smell, forget the rest of that, it is no where near as bad as the smell. If he has a partner i hope this is not something common for him, i mean we all have our embarrasing moments but this is just really......

the sims, i have been playing it now over the last 24 hours, normally i don't play it often but when i do i normally play for several hours, but this time i really got into it. I have all the current expantion packs, and i think that will be all of them because they are working on the second version. So i have them all and now i am working on a family that has one sister, a couple, and this other guy that i have no idea what he is, i will say that he is a friend of the family, because he chose to sleep in the bed that is away from the house. so i have 3 guys and one girl, and all of them are attractive, why waste time controlling the lives of ugly people. They make Fat skins, but i am not into fat, i am constantly complaining about the fat i have, so i like to stick with people that are not at all chunky. Not that fat is bad, i know many people i find attractive that are not hmmmmm, they are not swimmers, but they could float.

Whow there, what in the hell am i talking about here.... i feel like i said somethign bad about fat people and i am trying to reconcile. however, i did not spell it right.... i dont't care, this is my jouranl and i am just talking on a media, i am not saying anything bad, i am just expressing these silly characters i have in this game. 3 guys one girl, the girl is the sister to the lighter skinned, Mark. Mark is trying to be a star, and so far he has 3, 3 stars, 3 friends that are star wannabes also. The objective for me is to keep him happy with his Domestic Parner, that is not a problem, and keeping up his appearances. the latter is the more difficult.

i am now noticing my rambling, so i think i am goign to stop now, i have already taken up an kick off pick up cycle, the script tells the browser to reload to the login page after i think 8 min, so that it remains active and the ASP script keeping the connection up stays that way. Why not use cookies? as one of the oldest functions of client side scripting, i still have no idea where to begin writing a cookie that will do what i want, when i want, the way i want.

That all being said i would like to remind all that i got a POW for my shapes photo (picture of the week) that means that on the third floor of the Dan Rather Communications Building at SHSU, in a small case along with other students POW from the same classes for the semester, my shape photo will be posted there for all of the people who know to look to see. I am so happy. And it is the one photo that took me about the least amount of time to take, i took about 10. Oh wow i am so happy that i did that..... :) !!!!!

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4/1/2004 9:30:46 AM

I just wanted to add that this is really boring at the moment. This program is cool, but i want to really focus a show, and this is not real at the moment. Kind of like in the sims, where i have some cool stuff happening, making a star, i have a couple that is official.... but it is not real :( no real accomplishment, just satisfaction in a game. But yeah.. i need to go to law now.

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4/1/2004 9:17:33 AM

Yeah i am supposed to be working on WYSIWYG, however, i am not at the moment. I played the sims a lot yesterday, it felt good, but i really need to focus on my plans now.

I better go before i get in trouble.

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4/1/2004 8:44:20 AM

I am in the tries lab now, i shoudl be working on WYSIWYG... but now we have to reboot, brb.

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3/31/2004 10:29:50 PM

Keep breathing, Just keep Breathing

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3/30/2004 2:01:09 PM

I am in the labs now, it is about that time of day isn't it. My delima now is that i have to decide in what way i should deal with the problem at hand concerning the tow company, i can contact the office of the apartment and talk to them about it, write a letter to the tow company owner, or i can request a hearing. While the letters would be slightly less time consuming, it is also an experiment in experience to find out how to go to the JP and submit my case.

that being said... i am having pains in my chest now, someone is in the lab that i still have a slight crush on, but he is being blocked now so i cannot see him, thank you red 22.

Damn, he moved, lol

There was oh yeah, one more thing i wanted to talk about, and that was the scuba class. I am going to drop it, but i don't know how to just yet, you know? it is not time consuming as it is that i cannot afford it. So i just need to let it go i guess. Alright i will talk to him after class today and let him know what is up.

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3/30/2004 7:11:34 AM

I went to legal services, and that is all i can say at this time.

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3/27/2004 10:49:18 PM

Whew, i did some open waters today, it was fun but my ears, oh the pain of not having open tubes....

It was only about 28 feet max and i cannot imagine doing 40 or 60, i might die.... i thought my sinuses were open but i guess they never are fully, because it hurt like a bitch, it was like the ear infection all over again.

I don't know if i can continue this, it took me forever to get down and while it is good to go slow, it is not good to go that slow, everyone else was waiting on me made me a little sad. lol. i am worn out, just the pain alone is making me sleepy.

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3/26/2004 11:38:58 PM

Should i make a private journal anymore or just make the damn thing out and proud all the way? i don't know anymore, i don't know if i care anymore, i just made my last entry public and that was kind of risky, but i don't care i am happy.

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3/26/2004 11:21:44 PM

i went to bedroom farce tonight, and it was pretty funny. But what i noticed more than anything else was a guy in the center center section in the theater, i looked up and i felt like he was looking at me, i looked at him and he seemed to look at me and then i think we both looked away. But i did not want to, and for the rest of the night i kept looking at him. Man that felt good, to watch him :)

He had longer brown hair and facial hair. A silver watch on his left wrist, a multi colored band on his right. It apperared that he was sitting next to reletives, maybe his parents. But that was all, i just looked at him, lol, what more could i do really?

ok now i am done talking about that... no i am not, it made me feel so good looking at him, made me smile, and almost cry, thinking about how things are going with everyone... kind of odd and out of place, thinking about Warren again, and more often. Whew what a week right? lol

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3/25/2004 1:02:25 PM

I made an appointment with legal services, i am going in on monday, at 2:00pm need to adjust the calendar for that one. :)

Remember to bring the following
Student ID
Documentation (including photo(s))
Papermoon, Documents conserning towing

Talked to Warren last night, staied up too late, lol. But i felt i got somewhere with him, i like it when i can leave a conversation with him and not feel frustrated to no end.

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3/23/2004 1:48:00 PM

Well it has been a while now hasn't it? Spring break is now over, i am in my lab now, happy to have the day about half over now, although i don't like to just drive through a day, it is nice that there is not a lot more left to do.

i have lost my train of thought now... My car is still in the shop, so i had to drive my mom's truck down to come to school. When i got here the office was closed so i parked in my lot and the next day i went to the office to get a temp tag for the vehicle. when i was walking to the truck to put the tag on it, the truck was not there, i assumed it had been towed. And it was.
this would not have been so bad if i had money out the wazzoo, but i don't, so i called the office, they gave me the number of the tow service, i called them and told them i am a resident and i have a temp tag that i could not get on the car until the office opened, the car was towed at 5 in the morning. i am sure there is nothing legally that i can do but i am going to talk to a few people... there were about 50 things i could have done differently, however, i did them the way i did and it caused me to lose 65 bucks. I understand the rules, and why they are in place, but in the past (more than 5 times) i was told not to worry about getting a temp tag, so i did not expect this to be a problem. But i have my truck back now minus the 65 bucks i had ready to pay bills with. Life moves on and so am i, but i had to mention that i had a run in with a tow man and i did not like it. Oh on more thing, the experience was made just a touch worse because of the arrogant attidue of the tow company (owners or employees) while i did not have a problem getting my car back, with my exchange of money, they did make me feel like i was stupid, and that they were just taking my money, and that is what they were doing. But there i am done for the moment, after disscussing it more i may have more to add later but for the moment i am done.

Whew. The lab is kind of quiet for tuesday, i think it may be because after spring break most people don't have projects that are due soon. alright i am having trouble typing on this computer so i am jsut going to stop now and try again later, i am running low on time anyway. have a great day everyone.

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3/17/2004 8:34:33 AM

Oh man i just have to write and say that i feel better, acceptance? i don't know but i feel better. But now i have to think about my plans for next year and the year following.

another thing, i have been writing in my livejournal account, i think for two reasons, one to quietly sneak a few friends in :) and the other so that the people i know who have journals there would be more apt to read mine if i had one, some reason it is too hard to read the one i created? i don't know... well i say created but if you look at the first entry or so you would see that William Anderson is the great person that made the script, i just took it and modified it for myself. :) a big thanks to William gain and always.

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3/14/2004 1:05:52 AM

i got home ok, and i am feeling a little better, still a little down though. Great friends, i love them all... I just hope that i can get over then soon, i am tired of the knots in my chest and forgetting to breathe

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3/12/2004 11:59:24 PM

oh and my car... fixed the light and now something else is wrong with it, this time it is more physical and less.... visual :-P but still not good!

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3/12/2004 11:56:14 PM

I am in a funky mood now, Eric came over and now is gone, i am so glad we met. I am scared now i don't know what i feel, and i don't know what i want... why is life so hard? i am so upset now after seeing those pics and it is so silly to feel that way. i just don't understand it...

i need to just keep breathing that is all, Breathe and read my book and sleep, a new day is on the way, i am going to go home, it will be a good day

i don't know if i should let myself cry or keep trying not to start.

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3/10/2004 2:02:40 PM

I am at schlotzsky's deli right now, and i am on a mac :) i am so happy, brake light out on the passenger back, considering it is a brake light lol. well i need to go eat now, keyboard is not as nice as mine :)

laters

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3/9/2004 2:06:23 PM

i forgot to mention that there is a pain in my computer world, the server (nivek-brenham2) is being a pain, the nivek database is not allowing me to update to it, i don't know if it was a security thing i did or if it is the database or if it is IIS. Whatever it is, it is annoying as annoying things.

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3/9/2004 1:54:09 PM

My backpack came in last night right before i got back to the apartment, so that was nice. I am using it now, i like it so far, the laptop fits in it really well but i don't really need to take it anywhere now, so i want a laptop that i can take places, and i want places to go, lol. But i don't have a need for it at the moment. I am in the lab now and i am sitting on the other side because it is so full at the moment. It intrests me tht just moving to the other side of a room can totally change the way you look at it.

I may get to see Eric this week, that would be cool, ok i need to go now.

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3/4/2004 1:54:11 PM

I just ordered a Backpack, it is the kind they have in the student center book store just without the monogram and it was about 5 bucks cheaper, it comes with a lifetime warrenty on materials and labor defects. so with hope if the bad starts to fall apart it will be warrentied for replacement. Now my only problem is that i fear this is not the right bag for me, however it has a space for a laptop and one day i will have one of my own that i may want to use this bag for until then, it will replace the colodorado backpack i currently have that has now only two working zippers, out of 4. I shoudl take a picture of this thing, it has a clothes pin on it to keep one of the pockets closed.

I now have to get ready for my history test, not looking forward to that one...

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2/29/2004 8:30:10 AM

We are about to head home today, i am ready to see my apartment again, and see my family, i want to see my parents soon, maybe this weekend i will be able to go, i need to meet with lynette that weekend so i have to go home, :) i also need to catch up on my photography assignments.

Oh and i also want a WYSIWYG editor for my journal, i can work on that when i get home i guess. Ok i am hungry now so i am going to go get some breakfast now.

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2/27/2004 12:50:45 PM

i had a dream last night that i told my dad i was gay, and he was cool with it, he was happy i finally told him. too bad it was only a dream right? I feel so alone sometimes, hell this week should prove to me that sleeping next to someone in a bed would not make things better, well i knew that, but it is not like we are in the position i would like to be, i would like cuddling, that is what i want, someone to lay next to. Matt Tomkins sang this wonderful song, i love it. i don't know any of the words at the moment. Found them... last five years, and nobody needs to know.... full lyrics here

All that i ask for
is one little corner
One Private room
in the back of my heart
Tell her I found one
She sends out battalions
To claim it and blow it apart

I grip and she grips
And faster we're sliding
Sliding and spilling
And what can I do?
Come back to bed, kid
Take me inside you
I pormise I won't lie to you
I just really like the way he sings it...

well i guess i need to go now, back to the world i am in, :) good luck to me and all of you.

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2/27/2004 12:37:37 PM

So i am in arkansas, wow, and i have been having so much fun too. i love it. Well i am about ready to come home, i am spendind too much money, or i did last night. 20 bucks on two slices of chease cake, but it was worth it i think, the fun i had and i am not going to do it again any time soon...

I have not taken many pictures, i just have not really been in the mood. One of my roommates sprays this stuff ax i think and it smells so horrible, like i want to choke and die. other than that though, it has been a great trip so far. Lots of fun things to do, and i have done some of them. The shows have been kind or errr, i don't know how they got here kind of errr.

I am going to have so much make up work in some of my classes, i am almost worried, but it will be ok, i need to send off my mastercard bill today.

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2/26/2004 2:16:58 AM

I am in Arkansas and it is nice, ok i have to go, bye

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2/17/2004 3:00:17 PM

Here are some links that i have just found and i thought they were either really intersting or really funny Phone Number for sale (867-5309)
Nice site, and nice wallpapers - They approve of FireFox and the mars exploration. These people are good :)
That is all for now.

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2/17/2004 1:56:06 PM

I am in my normal space now, the labs before my Boring History Class starts, i am thinking a little about money right now, and how i don't really have any. Hummm, need to make some, some how. I am swithing over to private now.

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2/17/2004 7:05:23 AM

Whew, i am going to shower

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2/12/2004 3:42:03 PM

I am about to head over to the theater now, to help set up some lighting stuff, i am not really in the mood to do that now, i am getting hungry. That history class really takes it out of me. Maybe i won't have to stay long or i will wake up some. Tomorrow i have rehearsal and start to work on Romeo and Juliet, i am kind of excited and kind of sad at the same time, happy to be working on a new show, sad to not have some free time i thought i would be having to work on the projects coming up. But i get to work with some people i like so that is a plus, gets me out of my apartment :)

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2/10/2004 10:50:37 AM

I don't know what happened, i had three alarms, and none of them woke me up this morning, my phone, my computer and the clock. Not a one of them woke up, my eyes opened at nine: 10 and i thought, mmmm should i get up, i thought about it a bit longer then decided to sleep. I really must go to bed at a better time. i am ruining myself, lol.

i am still sleepy but more so i am hungry as hell. I need some food, and all i really have is soup and cereal. not exactly the breakfast i wanted.

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2/10/2004 10:50:37 AM

I don't know what happened, i had three alarms, and none of them woke me up this morning, my phone, my computer and the clock. Not a one of them woke up, my eyes opened at nine: 10 and i thought, mmmm should i get up, i thought about it a bit longer then decided to sleep. I really must go to bed at a better time. i am ruining myself, lol.

i am still sleepy but more so i am hungry as hell. I need some food, and all i really have is soup and cereal. not exactly the breakfast i wanted.

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2/10/2004 10:50:37 AM

I don't know what happened, i had three alarms, and none of them woke me up this morning, my phone, my computer and the clock. Not a one of them woke up, my eyes opened at nine: 10 and i thought, mmmm should i get up, i thought about it a bit longer then decided to sleep. I really must go to bed at a better time. i am ruining myself, lol.

i am still sleepy but more so i am hungry as hell. I need some food, and all i really have is soup and cereal. not exactly the breakfast i wanted.

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2/8/2004 11:45:32 AM

I got my printer, and it is nice, i like it :) It prints well the only problem is steven's computer is haveing difficulty installing the drivers for it and i don't have a 98 disk to install them for him, it is kind of confusing and i don't know why it won't work, i have not have this many problems with driver installation for a printer in a long time.

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2/5/2004 2:04:40 PM

Photography class was not too fun today, the class laughed at my photo, which was fine with me because it is a funny picture of myself, however the teacher started to ask about if that is what i was going for, i look confused in the photo, and i said yes. But while i was trying to look confused, it is such a small part of....it is over now, now i need to focus on color color color. and that assignment in lighting. I hope to get a new printer this week, i hope. These labs are so quiet, i am really going to have to figure out a better way to transfer files to print if i print.

I am not in a very good mood.

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1/29/2004 2:40:07 PM

I found this link and i like this site, so i thought i would share this link.

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1/27/2004 2:02:40 PM

A little time before history, still don't have the book for it, the teacher gave us reading assignments last night at about 5:00pm and if he would have givin them out on sunday it would have been a lot better. I have not had time to read them.

Tonight after practice, i need to go home, i could go home tomorrow morning but i would rather go home tonight and... well i guess i won't see my parents anyway i do it.

Note to self, fix fix fix this journal, fix edit and the show functions, only show the last 15, if you could make that work, it would be a great improvement.

Well it is about time to go now, i wonder if he will be late again. I could get used to this, having time to come to the lab and type stuff out before class, now if i could just connect to the server and work on that stuff. Still need to get the Nivek Drive back into the server.

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1/27/2004 7:02:57 AM

You get a live journal account but you never use it, why? well i have this one. But it does not look as good, well i spend more time on the rest of my site and so i don't spend a lot of time working on this one. Why don't you just use this and screw the journal account, because i want to see how many friends i can accumulate without trying, so far one. i am cool with that. lol

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1/22/2004 2:10:43 PM

I just wanted to share these images i made, i just like them Click on them here man

Now as far as they go, most of them are stock photos i already had, but the smaller size does something don't you think? lol off to class

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1/22/2004 7:27:06 AM

Good Morning, i have to admit, i have not been goign to bed when i am supposed to and i have not been getting up as early as i would like to, but i like this morning thing, i love my first class, and then i move to my second.
Lighting then on to Business Law It is jsut a Great set up, i love hearing cases and learning law and it is not like becoming a lawyer, it is just contracts and problem solving.

I then have a lunch Break, not used to that, i love it. Then to Photography and while i have an assignment due today, i like the class.

Then it is History, that one i like the subject, but the teacher, well lets just say that if he shows a video everyday i won't fall asleep but if he lectures, the work i put into staying awake will make the lecture redundant.

I am looking forward to a great day, i hope everyone has the same. Bye guys, and Smile Big

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1/19/2004 9:09:02 PM

I am sick, but that is only an excuse for not writing in here more. Sinus stuff. Not good, i feel tired all the time, maybe it is the sleeping patterns. WEll i need to go, write later

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1/16/2004 12:39:39 AM

tomorrow, tomorrow, da da da, tomorrow

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1/14/2004 4:06:44 PM

ok i got the car, it is a cougar, not exactly what i wanted but it is not bad. on the drive home i noticed it starting to make a weird sound, it was a ticking noise, and let me tell you that got me upset. I did not know what it was, and i still don't at the moment. it was a little depressing to hear that, i just don't want this car to be like the other one i had, the noise maker.

Class starts tomorrow, and i don't know when i am going to get certified for scuba, or where the money is going to come from, lol.

now i need to go shower, i guess i will write more later.

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1/10/2004 5:32:48 PM

Back in Huntsville, i think i have a meeting on Sunday but no one sent me an email, and if they did it got lost in the mail.

phone call got to go.

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1/7/2004 5:40:18 PM

I am so pissed off right now, today, ahhhh.

WE went car shopping today, my dad and i, i want a toyota (i know i could never afford a honda) and my parents are getting me the car cause my car is about to fall apart. I am happy that they would buy me a car, but the one that is in my range, i don't want. picky, i guess i am way too picky. My mom came home and she was upset about how dad did nto talk to her about anything and then she gripes at me because it is my car and i need to take care of finding one. I don't know where to look for a used toyota that has the right mielage, right number of doors and the right price.

I am jsut so pissed right now and i don't need to be, i think about how the car is jsut another brick on the pile, one more heavy pile of shit on the pie of life.

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1/5/2004 12:39:38 PM

Two days left, Two days and then i am wal-mart free, YAY. Then i can play the sims, ride my bike (if it gets any warmer again) and do some things i want to do, like see some people i want to see... YAY!!!

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1/2/2004 12:56:59 PM

When someone you like is in a bad mood and they don't feel like talking about it, how can you make things better for them? Is there anything you can do?

shower them with money right? lol no i don't know if that will work cause i don't know that problem. see?

i hope things get better, i have to start getting ready for work.

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12/30/2003 3:21:42 AM

Today i got my paperwork for my leave, i am so happy that i only had to work a short time, i don't know how much more of this i could take.

I got Darts today, i have not thrown in a long time, i probably suck still, lol, i would take the dart board with me but i don't want to damage tha apartment walls, and i really don't want to have to figure out away to prevent it, i know i could just get good, but it is no fun to play alone :)

It is getting really late now, lol i guess i should be going to bed today, read a story today and watched a movie tonight made me cry both of them, those bastards. I had pain running through my veins, my grandparents, the stories gradparents and family, it was just a bunch of sad stuff running through my head. but it made me feel better, i am happy now, and tomorrow is like my friday YAY.

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12/29/2003 1:28:10 PM

Umm yeah, so here it is week 3 of work, and i am so ready to have a day off, i think this is monday, and i have wednesday off so in reality this is my thursday and that means tomorrow is my friday, right? yeah, cool. I wored at the service desk yesterday, it was nice to do it again but i hope i don't have to do it again today, however i would rather do that then work on a regular register.

I ineed to find more time you know, i have the drama site to work on, and lynnett to call and things to do and sleep to get, now i have to shower, lol. gotta go now

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12/22/2003 1:18:16 AM

So today was work day what....5, yeah a weekend would be nice about now but i have atleast two days more if not more. Christmas eve is Wednesday and that is my off day but i may have to work if they need me, the money is nice but i need a break and i would be happier to go to my grandmothers if i had christmas eve off.

so umm yeah, work today was kind of stupid, as in some of the things we had to do, but i did appreciate the lack of customers i had to interact with today, however, i did make a mistake of trying to sell ammunition after 10. i think that is a silly policy, it is not like i had to dig for keys or anything, i was right there...

It has been a while since i have written anything of great importance here. so i think this covered it for today. i hope i get my cable tomorrow...

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12/21/2003 1:06:14 PM

My parents are doing it again, i love them but they are trying to make me late to work, i gotta go.

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12/16/2003 6:04:56 PM

Back in Brenham I start work tomoroww, i don't wanna go :-P i need to go now, i have been sitting all day, talk more later.

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12/15/2003 2:44:24 AM

Back in huntsville, i am going to bed, i am tired, so there.

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12/13/2003 6:43:18 PM

I am home, i don't know if i said that or not yet? i am going to go back to huntsville sunday, that would be tomorrow wouldn't it? lol, well then i will come back monday or tuesday, because i have to work on wednesday (i hope i start thursday but i am sure it will be wednesday.

What else? oh we put up lights today, i did the clock and the hidden lights in the living room and my dad is working on the tree right now, i think i am going to try to take some pictures of it to show what we did today :)

i had lunch with russell today, that was good we got to talk about some thigns that was going on with him and he is doing well, but he is going to go to blinn for another year, that boy is never going to get out of school, but like i am one to talk, lol. Ok i think i am going to get some food, i am hungry.

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12/12/2003 11:49:07 PM

I am home right now :-\ no it is a great thing :)

I forgot to set up my computer in huntsville to allow me to access it, not that there is anything i need access to that is not already shared, but when you can't do it, you just want to do it more.

I played this typing game today, i am not a good typer at all, i have to look at the keys or the screen, that is not good, one night i was on a role and i closed my eyes while i was typing and amazingly most of it was right.

This likne i tpyed with my eyes closed, and i really did not think about what location the keys where atr, however i know i hit the backs[ace a few times.

See, not too grand there.

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12/11/2003 12:59:52 AM

I think you should View my Advanced Makeup Final info so that you can see what we did. I helped :)

Now what do i need to do? well i did a lot of work on the memeber pages today, i added links for steven and caroline to their old pages, but it was not scripted, so that was no good. I did create a page that only shows the last 15 days of posts on here but i don't know how to get it to allow you to see then in increments of 15 days or something like that. But the fact that i did the show 15 on my own without looking anything up i think shows that i know something. it worked the first time, well i have the wrong '<' but other than that it was great

Right now a pie is calling my name, i should go rescue it from becoming trash :-P

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12/9/2003 4:10:47 PM

My wish list:

Keyboard The Sims Making Magic

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12/9/2003 2:24:24 PM

I have jsut turned in my work (not very good) and i am not going to fail, i am so happy that i am not going to, i should but i am not. that is all

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12/8/2003 7:43:32 PM

Ah set design, i think it is interesting but also the biggest load of BS in the world. Why do i think that? because i am taking a class i am not doing well in at all, not only that, but i like the teacher a lot and it makes me feel like i have let him down because i let myself down. But other than that, everything is great

I Want to comment on something that another journal user said in his journal about me, i don't appreciate the tone in the statement made and i really don't appreciate that it was public, private is one thing, but saying things about me in public on something i made for them is just not very tactful.

now that is out of the way let me add that i hope every one is having a great day because i am trying to :) I want to go out right now, but that is because i have a design to create. I would like to go to bed now too, so i am kind of stuck. Hopefully when i come back all i will have to do it paint the damned things and i will be done :)

We advanced and that means if i pass my theater classes i will be going to arkansas in february, not too excited about that right now, but if i am going, then i know when the time comes i will be ready. *read private journal*

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12/6/2003 11:24:51 AM

i have a set design and makeup project to work on and then i hope we are done, i am tired of messing with it really, the set design really but the makeup, the foam tore, but it looks so good on Crystal.

Today is one of those days you want several things to happen but you are not sure what is going to happen and you don't make decisions to do anything because you are waiting to see if anything is going to happen.. Lost yet? Well normally when i do that the thing i was hoping for never happens so i am thinking maybe i should just go home and visit my dad, after all, soon it will be monday and i will be at school again. But i really want the other thing to happen...

Can't sit around here and wait for it, i need to take action, right? :-D Well let me think about it for a little bit

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12/4/2003 1:42:12 AM

Today was good, it got kind of wobbly but after that it ended quite well and my good mood has been restored. Isn't that a super cool feeling? i think it is. :-D

I should write a bit more i am sure before heading off to bed...

I don't know what to say now. Oh wait.... no i still don't know what to say. I need to work on my typing skills? maybe so yes.

I don't want to go to bed but i have a long day tomorrow, well not long but not fun either, i have a test, i think, wait... that will be easy it is an application test, tuesday or sometime is the hard one. I think.

i think i want to start writing erotica, i don't know if i would be any good at it, but it just sounds hot doesn't it?

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12/1/2003 4:56:03 PM

I finished my mask, my teacher liked it, and it was ten points off of 100 i was so happy!! i am happy, i want some ice cream so bad right now. And maybe some Pizza, ohhh pizza, or some chicken soup

hummm fooood, gooood. Alias

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11/30/2003 10:24:57 PM

Set Design, Blah i say!!! :D

Well it is not going like i thought it might, and damn it is hot in here. Funny when i got home it was 58 degrees in my room and how it feel like it is 70, and it is, lol, maybe it is my long sleeves that are making so warm in here.

I think i am going to be up a while working on this stuff, i wish i would have done it sooner and while i would like to say i have learned my lesson, i have not becuase this was not a lesson in time managemnt and if it was then i was not prepared to be on time. LOL that makes me sound bad i think. Well i need some juice and i think matt is coming home with some soon, so there we go. I pulled my mask out of the mold and it looks cool, now to paint it and apply it and then i will be done with that.

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11/28/2003 10:32:16 AM

It sure is cold out, Perfect temp to get some hot chocolate and snuggle. I still have to pull my mask and paint it, also i need to make sure i can actually put it on my face. By monday i also need to have my Set Design done, like i said before getting started is the hardest part. Also knowing that it is late scares me. But i am not alone, however the quality of my work in that class is not as high as i know it could have been. I think i am going to look for some food now, i am hungry, car insurance is due today, so i need to get my credit card and start looking for a high paying job or a winning lottery ticket. LOL everything is going to work out.

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11/28/2003 1:18:58 AM

I am home, had a good day, but now i am tired and i want to go to bed. So i am going ot go to bed now.

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11/25/2003 7:54:49 PM

Now everyone is gone. I need to pour another layer of latex & hopefully i will only need one more.
Thursday is Thanks Giving and I am going home sometime wednesday, because of a meeting i have.

I still have problems with the edit function and i have not worked on member pages but that is because i have been busy with other things. I have been cleaning the apartment, Steven helped and Matt did to when he was here but he has to work crappy hours this week. It is so quiet right now, i want to play some music and finish cleaning the apartment, the kitchen needs some work still and my desk is pretty bad.

I made this a while back.. i don't remember what it was that i was trying to accomplish. hummmm

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11/24/2003 5:59:23 PM

I would like to be able to have a reason to sing this song. Is that silly? nope, not at all :)

Nora Jones - Come Away With Me Lyrics:

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee - high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

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11/22/2003 4:19:39 PM

Last night was a long night, i sayed up until about 3:30 and slept till about 11:30. I worked on my mask a little today the only thing i need now is some baby powder to knock out the chin and finish the exterior section. I need to read cat on a hot tin roof and i don't want to, it looks long and boring.

So i stayed up late, i finally talked to that guy, i took a walk, it reminded me of warren a little, when he was talking about his experiences. I was expecting a phone call last night and never got it but i did get one i was not expecting and that was kind of nice. Although he was busy with his friends and that was kind of weird to get a call where your not the one they want to talk to they are just bored and want to look like they have things to do and people to talk to.

That was kind of rude, but he won't see this. LOL... Do you ever get a feeling like your totally alone? if i was home this weekend that would not be the case but no one is here now and the house is quiet and boring and i have a project that is blah and another that is boring to hell. I will get them done and then things will be better. :)

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11/21/2003 1:28:55 PM

It is now the weekend for me, i am ready to do something, well i don't know what i will do though, hummmm...

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11/17/2003 10:35:44 PM

Going back to Huntsville in no time flat, i don't want to go back. But i have to. Maybe i could write some erotica, but then i could not really post it on any site we use, i don't think. LOL i am joking.

Hummm, i think i am about to go to bed, i need to sleep and this server time is really off it is not 10:35 it is 10:26 but when i finally post this it maybe 35, i don't know.

Went to Waco today, i don't know if it was the weather or my mood but it was a miserable place to be, no offence to Waco. I bet on a better day i will change my mind about the location, all the trees i saw were really short, or just spaced too far apart or too far from the roads, something was just off and i think it was more flat than the areas i am used to so with the lack of levels it was kind of boring, but i guess it is not known for rolling hills but rather clubs or shops or something like that. I am just rambling now.

I feel like that jerk in high school that no one talked to because he was just a jerk to everyone. I was mean to warren and to Doug a little, well with Warren i just let lose on him how i was feeling and i was not nice about it. and Doug well i could have been more friendly.

as for my close friends, i am sad and that makes me not very good to them either, maybe i need to do something about that by now eh?...well i am going to go, i am tired of thinking of something to say, i think i should just not be online for a while, dissconnect from trillian and just go out, maybe find a pool i can swim at. I need to start working out again (well swimming) it makes me relax, not that i really have anything real to stress about.

have a Great Night and Day

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11/14/2003 7:00:41 PM

Well i am home now, an feeling really bad, sick. I took drugs i felt so bad, and for those who know me know i would normally want to die before taking cold medication. Welli took them and my mom will be so happy when i get better and she says see all you needed was the drugs. I am currently planning on wiping out a harddrive on the server and reformating it, renaming it and reorganizing the file structure, or at least cleanning it up a bit.

I caught up on Alias this weekend, it was nice to be able to watch it, i am supposed to go to the movies tomorrow but if i feel like this, i am not going. The last time i took a cold pill i was so loopy for the rest of the day it was almost as bad as the cold itself. I hate drugs.

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11/11/2003 12:52:37 AM

I still have not fixed all of the problems but i need to work on my school work this week so i can go home at a good time. I hope to go to the movies saturday night with my friends, however, they are going to see a double feature and i don't know if i can handle 2 movies back to back, i would like to see one and go to the mall and then go home. i like being close to home, i am such a hermit, lol.

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11/10/2003 1:03:18 AM

WEll we went to Tyler and now i am home (well at the apartment again. I had a pretty good weekend minus a few activities that took place. My ear is starting to feel funny and i think it will be closed up tomorrow, oh well...

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11/6/2003 11:05:57 PM

Today, after i got done with strike and load (for the show going to tyler this weekend), i came home and i cleaned the apartment, well not the entire apartment, just the kitchen. It took me a few hours, in that time i went to the store and got some fruit and some food, a door mat, and some household items we were running low on. Things like laundry detergent, paper towels, scouring pads, and some dish cloths of my own (i don't want anyone else to use them so that when i want to wipe something down there will be a clean rag there).

I also did three loads of laundry and folded everything except for: socks and my shirts, i am about to hang the shirts;as far as the socks... they are on their own. What else did i do, oh i bought a pineapple (not sure how to spell it), cut it up and tasted it, it is pretty good, i am happy with it.

Now what is there to do, oh i need to vaccum and dust, and clean up my room and the rest of the apartment, although i don't think i am going to do that today, Steven is studying right now and so i have to be quiet, i could close my door and watch tv but it is too hot in here. Funny the heat is not on and it is colder outside than it is in here and it keeps getting warmer, i wonder if the people below us are running heat.

ah yes...
i think i will watch some tv and then eat some yougert or some fruit, that yellow stuff i jsut cut up is awfully tempting, and so are the reese's (R) in my closet

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11/5/2003 12:42:38 PM

I think this song is so funny, not because Ed is Special, but because it is just a funny song, here are the lyrics:

When I was a boy of ten. I had a very best friend.
Ed was kinda, with good intent,
but just a little different.

Chorus:
Special Ed, momma dropped him on his head.
Now hes not so bright instead,
hes a little bit special. Just a little bit special.

Verse 2:
We play tag, and he'd get hurt, I'd play soldier and he'd eat dirt.
I liked math and a spelling be.
ed liked talking to a tree ohh

Chorus:
Special Ed, momma dropped him on his head.
Now she keeps him in the shed,
cause he's a little bit special Just a little bit special...

Verse 3:
I ran track, hung out in malls, ed ran head first into walls.
I had girls and lots of clothes,
ed had names for all his toes ohhh

Chorus:

Special Ed, momma dropped him on his head.
Now he thinks he's a piece of bread,

Cause he's a little bit special...just a little bit....


Bridge:

One day talking to special ed,
He grabbed a brick and he swung at my head,
and as he laughed at me that's when i knew:

Special ed just made me special too....


Verse 4:

Now i laugh as i count bugs,
I give strangers great big hugs,
next to me ed is fine yeah

he's a fuck'n Einstein...


Chorus:

Special ed and me, now were not right in the head you see,

Now were not so bright instead....

were a little bit special

just a little bit special

that fucker ed made me special

just a little bit.........


Just a little bit SPECIAL.
 

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11/3/2003 3:10:45 PM

I did not have crew today, :) however i do have a meeting at 4, 5 and 6:30 and the 6:30 ends at 11, :( no time to do homework now, too bad lol i guess i should do it now...

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11/3/2003 12:44:20 AM

I just got off the phone with Doug, he is a cool guy, makes me feel better when i am in a bad mood, like steven and caronline and matt can do, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are not available to. I have a lot of work to do on this thing and i really don't have time to, but at the same time i really need to do other things. . .

I want to thank William for being so smart :) Some of the work he has done for the drama site (BHSdrama.com) is just amazinv, he will get things done with such speed it really impresses me. And like i said if it was not for him, i would not have been able to get my feet wet with asp. I never thought i would be able to do this on my own (with out having to contact him and say what did i do wrong) well it is still not 100% but still it works.

I have this project i need to work on and so little time to work on it, it seems to me. One is mechanical perspective, very neat to learn but very boring to do, and the other, making a mask, i picked something that is taking me a long time and i just don't have a lot of go to school and work in free time time.

I need to go to bed, it is not 12:43am and i am tired, my friends went to the Ren Fair today and they had a good time i think, i wish i would not have suggested going because when i said i did not feel like going it was like, let down on my friends. But i am glad they went and had fun. I did get rest and i got out of my major funk i had been in for a few days, still recovering but so so so much better. Oh and this weekend i got to see my parents, my brother and his Girlfriend, it was really nice to see them all. Did not see my cat but i would only see her if i got to go home, and i hope in a month i will be at home writing in this thin instead of the apartment wishing i was home. but i am sure by then i will be wishing i was back here, ha ha ha.

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11/2/2003 8:23:18 PM

Second public entry, just checking it out. Right now edit does not work right, it messes things up, and i want the sort as the newest or latest info is sorted at the top of the page, i don't know about sort though, lol there is a lot i don't know, i just modified William's Script. To learn more about the person i stole from please go to BrenhamTX.net.

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11/2/2003 7:37:47 PM

This is my First Journal entry. Right now it is all public and more of a message Board.

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